This Is What It Means To Grow Up As Genderfluid

When I was younger I was perceived as the typical little girl. I had big long curls which I wore in plaits and ponytails. I wore dresses and loved my barbies, I had crushes on boys and my bedroom walls were painted strawberry pink.

But I always felt that, that was the side of me that I let everyone else see…that there was more to me than what everyone saw. I wasn’t necessarily Clark Kent and Superman but there was a secret identity that I was conflicted about.

As I got older I spent more time with my guy best friends. Around age 12 I was playing World of Warcraft, watching Red vs. Blue, running around with boys…and kissing girls. It felt wrong but good at the same time. It felt wrong because so many had pointed out to me that I’m a girl and I can’t be doing these things but at the same time I felt complete when I acted in this manor.

So for years and majority of my high school career I kept this part of me a secret. I dressed and did all the things other girls my age were up to and kept my other identity a secret. Eventually it was known that I liked girls and at least a part of my identity was no longer a secret. But I still didn’t feel right walking around in an all girls school wearing a dress. I felt confined- I felt trapped. Until one day someone sent me a video. “Ruby Rose-Break Free.”

At first I had no idea what I had stumbled upon until watching the video…I connected with it immediately. There it was; all my feelings laid out in a video. This was exactly how I had been feeling my whole life. After watching the video 10 times, I searched Ruby’s story. I Googled Genderfluid, suddenly everything made sense to me and I thought, “I’m not a freak.”

I came out to my mom as Genderfluid by playing her that video and sent it to all my close friends. Suddenly I didn’t feel so suffocated anymore. Because I finally understood who I was and although I still got incredibly uncomfortable wearing a dress to school every day and being ever so relieved to take it off when I got home I didn’t feel like a stranger in my own skin.

I was proud to be the person that I am.