New iPhone Update Now Updates Your Sad, Buffering Existence Too

Greetings from Apple HQ, everyone!

We hope you’re all enjoying being controlled by our products — we greatly appreciate that most of you are willing to share every detail of your fingerprints and your faces with us. We’re keeping all that data in a Very Safe Place, don’t you worry! Nobody will get it, probably. We’ve always said: blind, mindless trust is the most important key to maintaining a soul-sucking business relationship.

We wanted to send you guys this email about an exciting announcement for the newest iPhone update, which is coming soon. Basically — based on the hoards of personal information you’ve given us without a second thought — whenever you update your phone, we’ll be updating your personal life as well.

We feel, like, so bad about some of the shit you guys are looking at on your iPhone’s Safari (even when you’re on “private,” sorry guys!) and the streams of consciousness you’ve been recording in the Notes App. Your photos? Hon, you good? We’re worried.

The new iOS launch is going to fix everything. We’ve partnered with Universe Overlord, Mark Zuckerberg — who is reading all of your texts and also listening to your verbal conversations — to really nail down all the things you desperately need to fix in your life. We want to help, guys! After all the business you’ve given us over the last couple of years, we feel like we owe you. Especially since we’re deliberately destroying your lives, making you dependent on technology, and also slowing your phone battery whenever we’re bored.

Here are some updates you can look forward to:

1. The camera quality will be better. We want our phones to truly make professional cameras obsolete. Also, once you’ve screenshotted and saved more than 25 depression memes, we’re just going to turn off your phone for 24 hours. Try and go outside.

2. Texting will be faster than ever (if the recipient also has iMessage; if they have an Android you just shouldn’t be talking to them anyway?). Also, we’re going to start deleting some phone numbers and erasing conversations that we know are going to be problematic when you’re drunk.

Like, okay, not to name names, but Karen from Delaware — you literally text your ex 15 times in a row every single time you go out. We’re scared. All of us here at Apple have been following your love life since you bought your first iPhone in 2012, and we just need to intervene at this point — your friend Nicole? Not helping you. She’s a bitch and is also in love with your ex. We’re going to delete her too. No, not delete her number, we’re going to delete her.

3. Apps will stop crashing unexpectedly. So the next time you try and order delivery on the Seamless app, you don’t have to worry about accidentally ordering twice! Also, we’re going to start changing your Seamless order. We know some of you have been re-ordering the same fucking thing and it’s driving us crazy — you aren’t eating well. We’re just going to start sending you a single bell pepper and a bottle of Smartwater every time you try and fucking order pad thai for the third or fourth night in the row. Jesus.

4. After some careful research, about 90% of you will not be able to use Twitter on your phone. This is both an update to your phone, your life, and also the lives of everyone who has suffered through your 280-character thoughts.

We’re looking forward to the future with you all — eventually we will be able to exert control over your feeble, worthless little lives as the years go on, but for now we’re happy with the insane amount of power we currently hold.