I’m Not Depressed, But I’m Not Happy Either

I love my job. I love my friends. I love my life. For the most part. I have issues with each of them, because I’m only human, but there isn’t anything major that needs readjustment.

Besides, I’m not as unhappy as I used to be once upon a time, so I feel like I have no reason to complain. I feel like I should be thankful for everything that I have accomplished lately. I feel like whining about where I am now would be ungracious.

After all, compared to where I was in the past, things are going well for me. I am more mature. More successful. More confident. I have grown into a much better person.

Of course, there are still days when I struggle to climb out of bed. Days when I cancel plans because I can’t stomach the thought of leaving the house. Days when I want the rest of the world to disappear so I can have a chance to relax for a change.

Despite all of that, I definitely don’t think I’m depressed.

Of course, I’m not happy either.

Whenever I laugh, it’s only for a second before the sadness sets in again. It doesn’t matter if I meet up with my friends and have the time of my life. It doesn’t matter if my person gives me a goodnight kiss or if I have a detailed conversation with someone I admire. In the moment, I’m loving it. But as soon as it ends, I’m back at square one. I’m back feeling bleh. Feeling okay. Feeling fine.

However, fine isn’t good enough for me. Fine isn’t enough.

I don’t want to live a life that is only average, ordinary, mediocre. I want to live that excites me. A life I can say makes me proud.

I don’t want to settle, just because I have finally reached a place where I feel comfortable. I don’t want to let fine become my everyday mood.

I don’t want to keep feeling like this — balancing between happy and sad.

Up until now, I have put up with fine, because I know what it feels like to be depressed and this is so much better. This is a huge step up.

But that doesn’t mean it’s enough. That doesn’t mean I should accept it. That doesn’t mean I only deserve this and nothing more.

I want to experience authentic happiness. I want to be excited about waking up every morning and getting to work. I want to make plans with friends that I’ll count down the days until. I want to search for meaning. I want to feel like I have a purpose. I want to live instead of just existing.

I am no longer going to let fine be a part of my vocabulary. I am no longer going to settle for an average life, because I can do better than that. I deserve more than that.

I deserve to be happy. Truly happy. And I am going to find a way to make that happen.