I Can’t Go To Your Thing Tonight — Not Because I’m Practicing Self-Care — But Because I’m The Worst

Yeah, look, I know it’s a little confusing these days because evvvvverrrrrrryone is justifying Not Doing Things as a form of self-care, but I just want you to know that me flaking on these plans at the last minute is NOT about me caring for myself. I am just openly a terrible person.

The thing about this self-care movement is now it’s socially acceptable for people to be excused from bailing on social plans if they’re not feeling up to it. And that’s great for the people who are truly coping with anxiety — except I really just want to make it clear that I, myself, do not have anxiety of any kind and am not an introvert or an empath or whatever the kids are into these days.

No, I’m just a really horrible person.

I need you to know that I’m the worst! It’s become too easy for me to be awful without any real repercussions. You keep inviting me to things, no matter how many times I back out, because you have mistaken me for someone practicing self-care. No!!! I am just an asshole. Please. Acknowledge that I’m a burden to you. I’m going out of my way to be inconvenient, and frankly, you attempting to be understanding of it is actually stressing me out even more.

I’m worried you’re worried about me and that’s why you’re letting me pull this shit. Oh my god, nooooooooooo, I genuinely want to set your expectations up for a night out with me, solely so I can then crush them after you’ve spent half an hour getting ready by sending you a text saying that I’m not “feeling it” anymore. Stop allowing me to do this!!!! I don’t get a rush out of this anymore — back in the old days, nobody tolerated this shit and it felt amazing.

Now I have to come up with new ways to ruin your life. I’ll ignore texts from you for days. I’ll isolate myself into oblivion, only to resurface weeks later and demand undivided attention without actually addressing the fact that I regularly drop off the face of the planet without any notice, whenever I feel like it. But you let me do that too! You say things like, “I understand” — bitch, what? NO.

Get mad at me! None of this behavior is productive! I am INSUFFERABLE. This isn’t how humans are supposed to behave! I’m begging you to understand this simple concept: I can’t go to the thing I promised I’d go to with you tonight — NOT because I’m practicing self-care — but because I’m the worst.