A Short List Of Some Actually Attainable 2018 Resolutions

I’m not big on resolutions. I’m not big on any sweeping claims that I’m going to magically Fixer Upper my life and when the clock strikes midnight I’ll appear as a new human with a fresh coat of paint. I will be the same – just a drunker version shoveling enormous handfuls of popcorn into my mouth like a raccoon that just found a full garbage can. A cute raccoon in a shiny dress. But still, definitely a raccoon.

In the weeks and months following 2018’s arrival, I will still fall asleep to repeats of shows I’ve seen hundreds of times. I will still struggle to understand what a budget is and how to implement it. I’ll say I’m gonna cook and end up microwaving a frozen meal and promise to do better the next day. I’m not intending this to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m just honest. I know that real change takes years. And it’s not something that happens just because I made a resolution.

But I’m not a total grinch. I can get behind the introspection resolutions require. And damn, a bitch been in an introspective mood!!!

So here are some realistic resolutions I’m trying for in 2018.

1. I will go to sleep before texting an ex back. I can address the situation in the morning after a solid 8 hours of sleep. Plus, it’s lowkey a power move.

2. I’ll eat one vegetable a day. Maybe two. Three if I’m feeling spicy.

3. I won’t waste my time stalking my former boss on social media to see if she is happy or just LOOKS happy.

4. I also will stop trying to assess if people on Instagram are fake smiling or genuine smiling. Like, who the fuck do I think I am? Some millennial Sherlock? Go home, ME.

5. I will tell the people I admire how much I admire them. And I won’t wait for arbitrary holidays or dates to do so. I’ll just do it when I feel like it. Because we all need to know when we’re appreciated, ya dig?

6. I’m going to see a therapist.

7. I’ll start washing my sheets on a more regular basis (this fact will disgust my boyfriend, whatever I’m trying to be better babe!!!).

8. I will not commit to an intense exercise routine but I will walk to Trader Joe’s when I can instead of driving the 4 minutes.

9. I will take some sexy professional nude(ish) photos because I’m tryna to document myself at 25 while I still can. Even if I felt sexier at 18. I’M NOT 18 AND I NEVER WILL BE, I MUST ACCEPT THIS.

10. I’ll build my savings back up. Ish. I guess. Sorta. Whatever I can, I GUESS.

11. I’ll stop offering to buy groups of people drinks at bars.

12. I will be open to travel even though I pretty much hate traveling.

13. I’ll be grateful for what I have. And remind myself that when I feel like life is a piece of shit.

14. I’ll kiss him as often as I can.

15. I’ll say I love you to anyone I love as often as I can.

16. I’ll volunteer with causes I believe in.

17. I’ll stop assuming everything is going to fall apart. I’ll wait until it actually does.