If you’re a twin, you will inevitably get asked a lot of stupid questions once someone figures out you shared a womb with another human. Despite what they told you in elementary school, there is definitely such thing as a stupid question and if you’re a twin, you know that better than anyone because you’re asked stupid questions all the fucking time!!!!

But fret not, my fellow twinner. Here are seven smartass answers to the seven most common questions you will get asked if you’re a twin. Because if you’re going to have to deal with stupid people, you might as well have fun with it.

1. “Do you know what your twin is thinking right THIS SECOND?”

“Yes, I do! They are thinking how you should shut up and stop bothering me.”

2. “If I hit you, will it hurt them?”

“Well, if I were to hit you, would it make you smarter? The answer is no. No, it wouldn’t. And the answer to your question is also no.”

3. “Oh my god, so you know the Olsen twins??!?!”

This question doesn’t even deserve an answer. Just stare at them like this until they go away:

4. (For identical twins): “Do your parents always get you guys confused?”

“Yes, my parents regularly forget what my sibling and I look like.”

5. (For fraternal twins): “If you’re really twins, how come you don’t look alike?”

“Well, if you really passed 8th grade, how come you just asked me that?”

6. “Oh my God, so you and your twin are like best friends, right?”

“No, we hate each other.” *proceed to start sobbing uncontrollably*

(Note: The delivery will be important for this one. The point is to make them feel very awkward about asking.)

7. “Omg do you guys have the same birthday?”

“Wow, you’re like a detective! It’s almost like that’s what the definition of a twin is or something.”