Don’t Fall For The Guy Who Says He Doesn’t Want A Relationship (Because You Won’t Change His Mind)

He tells you what he wants from the beginning, or really what he doesn’t want, a relationship. Monogamy. That’s not for him, he says. He’s not good at it, he says. He’s a terrible boyfriend, he says.

He doesn’t want a girlfriend, even if it is you. Because you heard him when he said all of those things, when he told you exactly what it was that he didn’t want, and you knew it was everything that you did. You heard him, but you thought maybe you could join along for the ride, drive freely with no worry of the crash. You heard him, and if you didn’t think you could be the one to change his mind, you at least thought you could play along and pretend that you didn’t want more from him either.

And maybe in the beginning you fooled yourself into thinking so. That you didn’t really want a relationship. That you were more laid back and unattached than that. That a relationship was too traditional for you too, that you were just like him and you wanted the same things. In the beginning you thought, I kinda like this no attachment thing. But then the two of you began to grow closer, or so you thought. Because you thought the more time you spent together, the stronger your connection would be. And when you began to realize that your connection didn’t change what he wanted, or what he didn’t, being unattached began to make you feel unfulfilled. And somewhere between unattached and almost was when you began to feel hurt.

Because you thought, If you care about me the way you say you do, then why aren’t I worth monogamy? Why can’t you be with just me? And then you let your mind wander into all the hypotheticals that haven’t happened yet. Your head begins to think about how he must want to be with other people, and your heart begins to think about how just you, is not enough. That in his mind being with just you would be settling. And as you begin to wonder about these things that he hasn’t said but you know he’s thinking, the emotion begins to overwhelm you, because you don’t want to feel like your someone’s second option, you don’t want to be someone’s settlement, someone’s compromise. You want someone to want to be with you, and only you.

And after you realize you don’t know how to truly be unattached, you begin to recognize that the two of you want different things, and that no matter how close you two become, he’s not going to change his mind. You can’t make him want what you want.  You deserve someone who doesn’t want to be with anyone else. You deserve someone who only wants to be with you because you are enough, and you always will be for the right person, and you know this, you’ve always known this.

But the guy who tells you from the beginning that he doesn’t want a relationship, that’s not your person. It’s not your job to make someone want to be with you; you’re not meant to change their mind. Believe him when he tells you what he wants, and don’t try to pretend it’s what you want if it isn’t. Do what you need to do to be happy. Trying to make someone love you won’t make you happy, it will just make you exhausted.