If I’m Being Honest

I’ll tell you that my eyes hurt, my head hurts from sleeping too late and looking at screens all day
I’ll tell you that I haven’t gone out for days because I feel horrible, ugly, useless
I’ll tell you that I’m scared of the future, for my future

I’ll tell you that I want to work but I’m also scared to work because even though I have my license I don’t feel confident enough for what they call the real world
I’ll tell you that I was so happy when I graduated with honors, that I passed the board exam with a rating that almost got me to top 10, that I finally got my license, but I’ll also tell you that that happiness passed and now I feel nothing

I’ll tell you that those achievements aren’t really the most important to me, it’s the little achievements that nobody knows about that matter most to me
I’ll tell you that I’m okay but I don’t know why I feel so empty, why my heart is so heavy

I’ll tell you that maybe I do know

I’ll tell you that maybe I just don’t want to say them out loud ’cause then it will be real as if it wasn’t real
I’ll tell you that it’s real and because it’s real it hurts, it stings, it burns
I’ll tell you that maybe it’s just my anxiety talking that I overdramatize every single thing, but I’ll also tell you that sometimes it’s hard to identify which is real and which is created by my anxiety

I’ll tell you that this is just another phase, that it’s normal for me, that it happens all the time but I’ll also tell you that even though it happens all the time, it hurts just the same
I’ll tell you that while I’m saying all these I’m afraid people will look at me differently, that people will forget to see the good and positive side of me
I’ll tell you that I’m sad that being real, being honest makes me feel like a fool, that I’m scared people won’t understand that it takes guts to be vulnerable
I’ll tell you that despite all these I am grateful
I’ll tell you that I know better things are coming
I’ll tell you that I don’t want to be pitied just because I hurt
I’ll tell you that when I hurt I also endure, I am at my weakest and strongest and I don’t know how to explain how that is possible but it’s what I know
I’ll tell you that I’m thankful for hearing me out, maybe you think I need help maybe I do maybe I’m just expressing my emotions but please believe me when I say I’m okay that I can handle myself

I’ll tell you that I hope you won’t feel this way

I’ll tell you that you are not alone, there are people like you, rare but true
I’ll tell you that you don’t have to hide or to be scared
I’ll tell you that it’s okay to not feel so happy and grateful all the time
I’ll tell you that whatever you feel right now is valid
I’ll tell you that it will pass no matter how long it may take
I’ll tell you that you are strong but you can be weak, you can be loud, you can be quiet

I’ll tell you that you can feel whatever you want to feel, you can be whoever you want to be
I’ll tell you that you don’t have to be just this one person, you’re dynamic, you can be anything and anyone all at once

And if I’m really totally being honest I’ll tell you I’m proud of you for being here, for being real, for being strong, for enduring, for embracing the human experience.