Aries

It’s a bird, its a plane – no, it’s ARIES. Child of the fire, get your cap handy because you’re going up, up and away! There is no one else as determined, self-righteous, and flat out batshit crazy to believe they could actually be SUPERwoman. Take a shot or two, because the world is waiting on you. No pressure.

Taurus

Channel your baddest version of Mother Nature through this lusciously devious Uman Thurman character: Poison Ivy. Sure, you’re stable. Sure, you’re nurturing. But just like former goody-to-shoes botanist and scientist Pamela Isley, you know when to up the ante. This seductive get up will surely trick anyone to buying you a few drinks. Or else.

Gemini

Keep them laughing. It will totally distract everyone from the huge wine stain on your shirt. You can act like a fool, say all the wrong things, and still come out looking as innocent as a little butterfly. Of course you’re Lucille Ball, honey.

Cancer

Mommy dearest isn’t always dear, is she, little crab? It’s always your fault, and she’s always the victim. Hey, you know what would make you feel better? Hunting down and skinning a few Dalmatian puppies, what else? It’s okay, Cruella de Vil, mommy issues are the worst.

Virgo

Excuse you, don’t look at me like that — can’t you see I’m bathing naked by a stream? I’ll shoot a bow in between your eyes faster than you can say, “Oh, dear”. I’m pure. I’m wild. I’m Artemis. Step back, your breath smells.

Leo

She’s a cult megabitch and we live for it. There is no ball until this belle has pranced in, adorned with ruby robes and piercing eyes. You’ll hate her till the very last minute of the party, until you realize, that shit, tomorrow is not just another day — you just got ghosted, homie. Good luck, Ms. Scarlet.

Libra

Okay, I know the name Ruth is not the most Venusian of them all, but — BUT — you are a badass brainiac and an asset to humanity. You can be a flapper next year. Enjoy your actual principles for once and stop worrying about impressing others. Act the part, Justice Ginsberg.

Scorpio

Are you crazy? You can’t throw a party and not invite her. The Queen of Darkness will transform into an iridescent crow, freak out your guests and curse your best friend. She is not afraid of death or anyone’s opinion. Practice your best evil laugh. You’re about to be magnificently Maleficent.

Sagittarius

The hardest part isn’t flying, it’s landing. Oh Emilia, where the hell are you? Yeah, we know you had to get out of Detroit, but its been year, girl. We miss you, crazy wonderer. They say dressing up like people you lost sometimes brings them back on days like this…. see you at Jen’s tonight?

Capricorn

I like to paint animals, especially ones that are very quiet. Like goats. It’s their lonely eyes that reveal how they understand the true meaning and struggle of life. Hope you got the bushy brow look going, you wouldn’t want to disappoint Frida Kahlo.

Aquarius

She’s got to be gay, right? How can she be so hot and still not give a shit about settling down? Come on. And she built the first, what was it, radio? GPS? Good grief, Hedy Lamarr, a woman actually on a mission to change the world. What a weirdo! What an intrigue!

Pisces

Cause you’re free, free fallinnnn’ — oops, there goes your umbrella. Oh, look at you tumble down a long mysterious tunnel — wait are those your years passing you by, have you totally lost track of reality? You know you’re sleeping, right? It’s all a big fat dream, and once you wake up, you’ll no longer be Alice. You’ll just be one more person with a lame job, wishing you were in Wonderland.