Everything I Wanted To Say After You Knocked Me Down

Reliving heartbreak is, well, let’s just say it’s like getting hit by a dump truck repeatedly without any breaks in between.

I relied on you so much. I couldn’t be me without you. But that’s not true, I can be me without you, I just couldn’t see that before all the heartbreak; before the gut-wrenching pain from crying so hard.

There were days that I didn’t want to leave my bed; I’d cry from the beginning to the end of the day; I didn’t eat, barely slept and everything, literally, everything, made me think of you.

But I’m better now… on most days.

I still have days when reality smacks me in the face. But I remember who I am and how hard I’ve fought to get here, and I pull myself back up.

You taught me a few things while completely crushing my heart, though. You taught me that you can think you know something, that you know how your life is going to play out and then, in a blink of an eye (literally, I blinked), and it was all completely different. The life I knew was flipped upside down, forever altered.

In one single second, we were happy and in love, and in the very next second we were over? Lovers at one time, soon to be strangers with far too many shared memories. It’s sad. It happens to so many people, but I never in a million years did I think that’d be us. I guess we all think that “it’ll never happen to me.” And I did.

You taught me that I can be alone. I can be independent. I can be happy being single.

You helped me find me. The new me, the one who won’t ever give anyone the ability to completely destroy me like you did.

When I’m completely healed (which I will be, don’t you worry, I won’t give you the satisfaction of keeping me down forever), I will look back at this and realize you didn’t really destroy me, you merely knocked me down.

You had me down for a split second, but I built myself up stronger, smarter and, wiser than before.

I’ll eventually realize that not everyone wants to break me, not everyone wants to hurt me like you did. But I will always remember that actions speak louder than words. Someone can say forever and miraculously forever can be just a couple years. That’s the shortest forever I’ve ever heard of.

Thank you for showing me that I could never be so cruel to someone I love.

Thank you for showing me I deserve to be fought for.

You taught me to live each day like it’s my last because you can wake up one day and the world as you know it can be shattered all around you. I’ve learned to love everything so much more, appreciate the little things because, in the end, they’re actually the big things.

One of the biggest things I learned, though, is that I can get back up. I can survive it.

I know there are days where it doesn’t feel like I will survive, that I’ve been so sure the pain is going to end me, but it didn’t. I’m living proof today that it does get better. It’s taken me months and months, endless tears, sleepless nights, sleeping all day, forgetting who I was, and so much anger to get me to where I am today.

If I hadn’t dug deep within myself to find the power to get back up after I was knocked down, I’d still be down there and you’d have gotten everything you wanted. I won’t give you that, you don’t deserve it.

But I will say this: You may have torn me down, broken my heart, completely made me rethink my entire life, and I still truly believe you deserve to be happy.

I know there’s a good person in there, I saw him, I got to know him, I fell in love with him, I still love him, and a part of me will probably always love him. So be happy without me. (Another thing I thought I’d never say).

But hey, life throws us curve balls, doesn’t it? Just when we think we are comfortable and we know exactly how everything is going to turn out, bam! The ball hits you square in the face.