1998’s Primetime TV Listings As Written By A Man In The Throes Of An Existential Crisis

ABC

Family Matters
8:00 – 8:30
Attempting to screw a light bulb into the Winslow’s living room light fixture, Urkel somehow manages to accidentally hang himself. The Winslows grieve for the remaining 16 minutes of the episode before completely forgetting he ever existed and returning to the concerns of their day-to-day routines.

Dharma & Greg
9:00 – 9:30
Greg’s boss comes over for dinner and Dharma has to cook; hi-jinks ensue. Years later, Dharma stares at Greg’s ashes on the mantelpiece and is unable to remember whether these events really happened or if she merely dreamed them.

NBC

Friends
8:00 – 8:30
The sextet gets stuck in an elevator during a power outage. Despite being trapped for a mere 20 minutes, the crew instantly dissolves the superficial bonds of their prized relationships, savagely murdering Ross and dining on his entrails.

Seinfeld
9:00 – 9:30
Another episode of the show about nothing; not recommended for those looking for escape from the dreadful banality of it all.

FOX

The X-Files
9:00 – 9:30
Mulder and Scully investigate a purported UFO sighting, only to find that we are completely and utterly alone in the universe.

COPS
9:30 – 10:00
If there is a higher power, this is His America’s Funniest Home Videos.

WB

Sister, Sister
8:00 – 8:30
Tia and Tamera come to grips with the realization that their twinship is not a playful flourish from the idiosyncratic hand of God, but merely a production error from the mechanized assembly chain of creation.

7th Heaven
8:30 – 9:00
The Camdens devise another series of convoluted dilemmas to subconsciously distract themselves from the distinct possibility that in a dingy motel room just outside the margins of their insulated homestead, two homosexual men are sticking their penises into a Chinese finger trap.

CBS

Everybody Loves Raymond
8:00 – 8:30
Debra and Marie bicker endlessly over an upcoming family vacation as Ray hides in the shower, whimpering in the fetal position and making inarticulate gurgling noises.

Murphy Brown
9:00 – 9:30
An increasingly suspicious Murphy faces problems at work when she refuses to use a keyboard. “All of the buttons are exactly the same,” she remarks as she stares blankly into the distance. “Tiny indiscriminate squares, their markings worn off by sweat and use — the death of meaningful communication.”

Unsolved Mysteries
9:30 – 10:00
You’re telling me.