Here Are Some Screaming Exercises Because ‘Staying Calm’ Is Not Really A Viable Option Anymore

The world is ending, this country is doomed, there’s a weird pain on the left side of my body—these are screaming exercises for when everything is actually a disaster and no amount of eucalyptus pillow mist spray is going to help you. Namaste.

EQUAL SCREAMING

Center your chakra and close your eyes. For this scream, you’re really going to want to make sure that your body is balanced and your vocal chords are prepared. Perhaps daintily sip a warm mug of lemon tea with honey and stare out your window as you feel your levels of sheer panic and tendency to totally overreact bubble up in your system. To begin, inhale for a count of five and then just fucking scream. Keep screaming. Do not stop screaming.

ABDOMINAL SCREAMING

This is a relatively straightforward scream practice that truly any beginner can get into. By delicately placing one hand on your chest and the other on your belly, prepare yourself by inhaling heavily through your nose—this will inflate your diaphragm, which is key—and then let out a scream and never stop. There are too many things going on right now. Houston is literally under water. Trump wants to end the DACA. Seriously, what is this pain on the left side of my body? *Screams*

PROGRESSIVE SCREAMING

This scream aims to further add to the tension in your entire body and mind. Imagine your scream is traveling up your body from the soles of your feet and really picture the shrill, ear-piercing howl venturing upwards and infecting every part of your body. This one is ideal for shower screams, screams at your desk, or when you absentmindedly check Twitter in line at the grocery store because you think, hey, I wonder if there are any new memes and instead you find out Nazis are back.

GUIDED VISUALIZATION SCREAMING

Be careful now! This type of scream is really only targeted to those who are intermediate level in screaming. If you’ve never lied down on your office bathroom floor and silently screamed, do not attempt this before practicing the others. Visualize everything that is wrong (everything) and let these images flash before your eyes as you, once again, find yourself lying down on your office bathroom floor and silently screaming. Do not operate heavy machinery during this scream.

KAPALABHATI SCREAM

Sort of like Kapalabhati breathing, which releases toxins and cleanses the body, the Kapalabhati scream is all about releasing a shriek from deep within your lower belly that you basically become so energized with terror and self-induced anxiety, you don’t even need to drink your morning coffee. Incredible. Think about how much money you’ll save every day by screaming instead of buying coffee.