How To Know If You’re Being Too Needy Or If He’s Emotionally Unavailable

The question if you’re being too needy or a man is emotionally unavailable cannot begin to be answered without first understanding your particular patterns in a relationship.

By Alexis Meads

Updated 7 years ago, August 16, 2017

The question if you’re being too needy or a man is emotionally unavailable cannot begin to be answered without first understanding your particular patterns in a relationship.

Because chances are that if you notice a man pulling away, this is not the first time it’s happened to you in a relationship.

I know that when I was dating it happened to me on numerous occasions and I had to take a hard look at myself and my dating patterns.

Why was it that my ex-boyfriend, my first true love and I, were continually on and off? Unable to live with or without each other?
Why was it that when I’d date a great guy, who checked all the ‘boxes’, I got bored out of my mind?
Why was it when I dated someone not so great for me, I’d chase them like my life depended on it?

Well because at the time, my life kind of did.

While I seemed like a successful, confident girl on the outside, on the inside my self-esteem was shaky at best.

Being able to “get” a guy who was out of my reach to like me felt like a high that no drug would ever be able to compare to.

My subconscious pattern went something like this: meet an emotionally unavailable (but charming) guy, have a connection, see them pulling away, cling harder to them, feeling that if they could just somehow get into my reach then I’d be worthy.

WARNING: This pattern will never make you happy in the long run.

I had a friend who was gorgeous, successful, and fun to be around. She could’ve easily had her choice of men. She fell for a guy, we’ll call him B, who was already in a serious relationship. In fact, he lived with his girlfriend. Despite being somewhat overweight and not treating her the best, she fell for him hard and they had amazing chemistry. They’d fool around at her apartment when his girlfriend thought he was out with friends.

I kept telling my friend that he’d never leave his girlfriend, but a few years later, he did! This should have been a dream come true, right?

Except it wasn’t.

She clung to him, going through emotional hell, hoping he’d leave his girlfriend. And when he finally did, there were naturally trust issues. He didn’t treat her great and would rather drink beer with his friends, while this stunning woman could have been with anyone!

Why did she settle?

Asking yourself this question, ‘why’, can be extremely illuminating.

The purpose of the “why” is to shed light on your patterns so that you can free yourself of the chains that hold you back.

If you find yourself cling to someone who really isn’t deserving of you, chances are that you are being needy and the man you are seeing is emotionally unavailable.

The reason for this is because often times women will specifically go after men that are emotionally unavailable, if not consciously, then unconsciously. There is a reason you’re doing this – because it actually gives you something.

You might be thinking, “Why the hell would I purposely go after a guy who’s emotionally unavailable? What would this give me?”

There are multiple reasons: low self-esteem, being addicted to the chase, thinking that if the emotionally unavailable guy will just come around then you’ll know you’re good enough.

If you are going after men who are emotionally unavailable, then chances are you’re also going to be needy, because you feel you have to be in order to have any kind of connection with this guy who really doesn’t want a long-term commitment to begin with.