Jobs I Am Not Technically Qualified For, Yet Nonetheless Am Extremely Interested In, Because Like, I’m A Millennial Unicorn

Nail Polish Color Namer

I know nothing about colors or art or really even nail polish, but, I think I’d be fantastic at this job. I exclusively wore “Ballet Slippers” throughout middle school after reading the Princess Diaries (Princesses can only wear nudes), but I feel like I could one-up boring names like that or “Midnight in Moscow” with original names that only Millennials could truly relate to, like:

• “What Am I Even Crying About?” Blue
• I Woke Up Naked Next To A Lunchable Container This Morning Orange
• Under-Eye Circles From Binge Watching The Latest Psychological-Thriller On Netflix Purple
• My Laundry Is Still Wet and I’m Out of Quarters Grey
• “Can I Just Venmo You?” Green

Blonde Back-Up Dancer in A Bollywood Movie

For those of you who have never seen a Bollywood movie, there’s almost always one scene with blonde back-up dancers. While I don’t have any acting or dancing experience, I really don’t think that it’s a big deal. I AM blonde, and I’ve watched Tunak Tunak Tun on YouTube like 5 million times. I’m totes ready for my big break. Karan Johar, call me.

Masterchef Junior Guest Judge

They’re just kids, so it doesn’t matter if I have a refined palette or not, right?. When I was their age cooking meant heating up a can of Chef Boyardee. Okay, that’s still what cooking means to me. But anyway, I just love how Gordon says pass-stuh and riz-ott-toh, and I’ve learned that you can make an étouffée out of almost anything. Really this show just makes me extremely hungry, and I don’t think I can afford Beef Wellington otherwise.

Escape Room Professional

Someone has to test these all out beforehand. Or better yet, make it a professional sport. The NFL is a barbaric American tradition, and football causes brain disease so ESPN should start featuring me and my friends channeling our inner Sherlock Holmeses, Indiana Joneses, and Nancy Drewzes in order to get the eff out of a room. The clues should be moderately difficult but tailored to my personal interests so that they are just challenging enough to make me look smart but totally solvable. For example, a final password of “Nelly, I am Heathcliff!” would be a perfect fit. Like every Millennial I’ll want a medal just for participating.

Bar-Rescue but with Clothing Stores

I’d gut every store Jon Taffer style, and rearrange all of the clothes in groups based on celebrities. That way any time I need to wear a dress a.k.a. pass for an actual adult woman I could go straight to the Kate Middleton section and be on my merry way in 5 minutes. It’s just way too hard and time-consuming otherwise.

Personal Assistant to Kristen Stewart

Nothing says “I don’t own a purse” like being the spokesperson in a two-minute Chanel purse commercial where the purse makes a five second appearance. She totally needs someone to carry one around for her with like tampons and credit cards and shit, so she can maintain her brand. Besides that and maybe getting her hoodies dry-cleaned occasionally, but not too often (looking clean is NOT on-brand), this has to be the lowest-effort assistant’s job available ever.

After months of observation, I might even learn the secret to being extremely successful while looking like you just rolled out of bed, which is like basically the Millennial dream.