15 Virgins Over Thirty Share How Being Unlaid Affects Their Daily Lives
"Turning 33 soon. The main thing that has changed is the way the future looks and feels."
By Eric Redding
1.
“I am a 33-year-old male, 34 in a few days.
It doesn’t seem to affect my life. In my 20’s I struggled with it because I felt like I needed to. It took a few years in my late 20’s to realized that I, myself, really wasn’t that interested. It was just societal pressure. I think maybe one day I would like to be in a loving relationship where I feel like I can share that part of myself, but I am not at all looking. I don’t want to have sex just to have sex. I don’t think I will find any benefit in that. And relationships are a lot of work. I have five older sisters, all of which have been married, some now divorced, some still married. I have other friends and watched their relationships and marriages. No thanks. Maybe I will regret that later in life, but the amount of work my sisters and friends have put in is too much for me right now.
In the end, I know I don’t want to have casual sex and don’t feel I am in a place in my life where I want to have a relationship either. I am okay with that.”
2.
“Turning 33 soon. The main thing that has changed is the way the future looks and feels. The best way I can describe it is that in the past, it felt like I was driving along a bendy road with new sites at every turn. I felt that whatever I might be missing/seeking was going to be around one of those bends and I just had to keep driving to find it. Now, it feels like I’m driving an endless straight road down a mountain to an ocean. I’m sitting up higher in the cab and I see time spread out in front of me. And now, when I think about what I am missing/seeking, I have to look out at that big landscape and ask myself: “Where?” Where is it going to happen? I feel I need to place it somewhere distinct out there in the landscape of time because the space available has become finite and is growing smaller every day.”
3.
“Sure it sucks and all, but it’s not really something I think about. It’s like not having tried some kind of food. Sure it might taste amazing and I’m missing out, but it’s not like it affects my day to day life. If I really wanted to lose my v-card, I could probably get it done with a few bucks and a phone call, but it doesn’t really matter to me. It will happen when it happens I guess.”
4.
“36, kind of feel pretty shitty about it.
I honestly don’t know what it does to my life. Other than the constant dread of ending up alone because I’m too scared to put myself out there.
How’s that for honesty?”
5.
“Most days I never even notice, but there are times when I long for a woman’s companionship. It does lead to recurring bouts of depression, though I’ve better learned how to cope with it over the years.”
6.
“On my way to becoming a proper wizard. Because we all know that once you’re a 40-year-old virgin you gain magic. At least that’s what I’ve read. In comics.
I’m very lonely.”
7.
“It doesn’t affect me in any practical sense except it’s harder to ever get my own home or whatever.
Mentally it makes me feel subhuman or something. Like I’m in a separate world to everyone else. Outside the party watching everyone else do their human thing on the inside. Not understanding wtf is actually different about me. You know.”
8.
“It doesn’t really matter anymore. If I wanted to do something about it I’d have hooked up with a floozy or visited a prostitute long ago. But my anxiety and shame (that’s the fun part, where you get to be so ashamed of not having had sex that you’re afraid to ever have sex) are still too strong. Hanging out for years with people that were the extreme opposite of this didn’t help much either. Now those assholes are out of my life maybe I’ll get round to fucking someone. Or maybe I won’t. I’m not my genes, replicating isn’t the focus of my existence.”
9.
“It doesn’t really bother me anymore, but when I was in my early and mid-20s I felt a lot more pressure about it. Now I feel like if it happens it’s cool, and if not, I’m fine with that too. It doesn’t really have any major effect on my life, though. I’m not upset about it, and I don’t really even think about it most of the time.”
10.
“Going on 32, and I could honestly care less if it ever happens. Since it’s not anything I’ve ever been close to doing at all, it doesn’t even register as something I can do, so I don’t really feel any impulses or urges.”
—UPRC
11.
“Not thirty, 25-year-old girl here.
I’m like, a solid 6 I think. Not super ugly or pretty. Honestly it just… hasn’t happened. Like a lot of other people are saying, I haven’t put myself out there and I don’t know how. I don’t like flirting, something about everything that goes into dating from the banter to the contact feels… cringy? Which is a weird way to feel about a human experience, I know. I have no interest in dating, I do wanna lose it but I’d love for it to be a, see the dude once or twice with minimal contact before then, do the deed, go home, kind of arrangement. I know that might sound like a dream to most dudes but believe it or not it’s really hard to find.
My sex drive is really low, but I would like to no longer have the ‘status’ of virgin. Something about it feels abnormal to me, but that also might just be society.”
12.
“It doesn’t really affect my life whatsoever. I have a nice job, I earn a shitton of money, I rarely work more than 3 days in the row…And I have regular 3 day weekends.
I can ‘exchange’ my work days with guys from other shifts and have mini vacation in other European cities.
I travel at least once a month for more than 5 days.
All in all my life is pretty fucking awesome.”
13.
“30-year-old male.
Being a virgin isn’t the thing that affects my life that much, it’s the stuff that caused that.
Now that I’m 30, the way in which being a virgin affects my life is my outlook and planning. I have to consider that if I keep getting older without kids, the chances are that I’m going to be a very old man when my kids graduate college. There’s a fair bit of concern that I’m falling behind the curve in life. I also realize that younger women aren’t really going to want to be with men, and older and wiser women will stay away because they realize that this is actually a red flag. It’s not that women won’t sleep with you, it’s that the type of women who will is probably not the group you want to hang out with. I was told by a friend of mine that plenty of women would want to sleep with me because I was ‘clean.’
Yeah, that’s a low bar. Like, scary low. ‘Does not have herpes’ is a feature, but it’s not a big positive. That’s like buying a toy that says, ‘Lead and Arsenic Free!’
Worse, because I’m ‘by definition’ naive when it comes to relationships, there’s going to be very toxic, or predatory people who are also interested in me for all the wrong reasons.
Now, the thing that actually affects me the most isn’t being a virgin, it’s been what has kept me a virgin. This is where the red flags come in. When someone is a virgin at 30 (and a man especially) it brings up a whole slew of red flags. Why is he a virgin? Does he have anti-social tendencies? Is he immediately off-putting in some way? Does he have emotional problems that are disruptive? Is he violent, and does that keep people away? How is he going to handle being in a relationship for the first time? What happens if the relationship goes wrong; will he react badly? Does he even understand his own sexuality?
One friend of mine who stopped dating female virgins explained his reasoning as thus: ‘I’m not dating someone who is inexperienced as a 16-year-old, and will have all the same relationship problems of a 16-year-old, while the are 30.’
When it comes to me, some of the red flags aren’t wrong. I’m fairly anti-social. I was abused as a kid and kept isolated for a large portion of my life. I’m not hostile to social situations, I’m just not used to being around them. Yeah, I have emotional issues. That includes depression and suicidal ideation. No one wants a partner with those issues at the start of the relationship. And my sexuality, well, I gave up. I stopped trying to figure it out because it never felt like it was worth my time, and it wasn’t getting me anywhere. Does it make me lonely and sexually frustrated? Yeah, so add that to the list. I’m not that pleasant to look at, and I don’t dress to be approachable. Even if I did, I might not notice from the poor self-image and self-loathing.
Honestly, would you really throw yourself into that mess? No. That’s because you, dear reader, are a reasonable person and you have your own interests, desires, goals, and passions that are going to be put to the side in such a relationship. Anyone jumping into a relationship with me would find that they signed up for an emotional burden that wouldn’t be fair to them. Therefore, avoiding romantic interactions with me makes perfect sense. Someone like me doesn’t need a partner, they need a psychologist.
So, does being a virgin effect my life? No, not much. It’s mostly a thought experiment. But the things that have led me to that? Yes. Yes they have.”
14.
“Turning 32 in a couple of days. It used to bother me in the sense that I felt pressured to prove my worth as a human being, that someone would chose me to be intimate with.
But it has nothing to do with age for me. I’m a short man with a physical disability and social dependency, so women tend to view me as “not good for relationship,” which is totally understandable. Who wants to get into a relationship only to babysit an adult?
As such, I’ve more or less accepted that I’ll never be intimate with anyone. And hiring a prostitute would only hurt me more, as it’d be someone doing a job rather than being with me because they want me.”
15.
“Hey, this was me! Lost my virginity at 30 years and 2 days to my wife. No regrets, no skeletons in the closet, no heart attached to anyone or any knowledge sex life could be any better with someone else. It’s some we share.
While I spent too many nights at the gym, hanging with friends, or drinking beer to pass the time, the wait was worth it.”
