My OCD Makes Me Feel Like I Never Fit In

I feel like a psychopath because I have no idea what triggers my OCD. I have no idea why I keep doing the things I do, aside from fear and doubt and irrational worries.

I feel like a psychopath because the simplest things in the world, things that should only take a matter of seconds to do, can take me hours. If my OCD acts up while I’m choosing an outfit in the morning or while I’m choosing what I want to eat for dinner at night, then there’s no telling how long it will take me to make my decision. 

I feel like a psychopath because I can’t always ignore my compulsions. I’ll stand in front of a light switch and flick it back and forth, I’ll repeat phrases in my head over and over, I’ll re-read a paragraph of a book ten times because I feel like I didn’t do it right the first time.

I feel like a psychopath because I’m always obsessing about death. I’m worried I’ll come home to an ambulance. I’m worried I’ll get a phone call about a shooting. I’m worried that the people I love the most are going to get taken away from me.

I feel like a psychopath because I look like a psychopath. I’ll be in the middle of a grocery store and feel the sudden need to escape, the sudden sense that something horrible is going to happen if I stay, so I drag my parent or friend or boyfriend out of there.

And when they ask what’s wrong, there’s no way to explain it without sounding like I’ve lost my mind. There’s no way to tell them I was worried about being murdered there because… because why? There wasn’t any real reason. It was just a hunch, a feeling deep down in my gut.

I feel like a psychopath because I make weird-ass associations. My aunt died the night I ate a chicken sandwich, so I’ve refuse to order them since. I got into a car accident the night I listened to a certain song, so I skip it ever time it plays on my phone. When bad things happen around me, I feel like I’m to blame.

I feel like a psychopath because the majority of people I’ve seen portrayed with OCD on television and in movies are obsessed with washing their hands and wearing gloves to avoid germs and I don’t have any of those same symptoms.

I feel like a psychopath because I don’t know one other person who feels the way I do. OCD manifests itself differently in each person, so it doesn’t matter how many forums I read or people I speak to. I feel like I have no one who understands what I’m going through, because everyone else is experiencing something different.

I feel like a psychopath because I’ve been dealing with this shitty disorder entirely on my own.

Holly Riordan is the author of
Severe(d), A Creepy Poetry Collection.
Pre-order your copy here.