My Boyfriend Vs. A Boyfriend Pillow

A lot of my girlfriends are always complaining about their boyfriends or about being single, but I don’t have that problem. I’m one of the lucky few who has a wonderful, committed boyfriend, and we’re so happy in every way.

Matt and I have been together for a few years now, but we’re still in love. Things aren’t perfect, but what relationship is? Love is work, and we’re always working, and always in love. Still, we’ve always had some troubles in the snuggle-department because Matt likes to sleep on his stomach but I’m a back-sleeper. This makes our nights difficult, because someone is always left feeling uncomfortable.

So, just for fun, I decided to try out a Boyfriend Pillow, a pillow in the shape of a man’s chest and arm, that I bought online a few years ago during a particularly long dry-spell. Here’s a comparison to see how it stands up (or lies down — ha ha!) to my awesome boyfriend, not just in snuggling, but in our daily activities.

Snuggling

Obviously, this is the first one I tested. I love my Matty a lot but I like a lot of room when I sleep and he wiggles around too much for me to feel rested. One of us, if not both, wakes up feeling more exhausted than when we went to bed. The Boyfriend Pillow is a great way to cuddle up to something, and it’s great for nights when I miss my wonderful boyfriend, but it’s really no replacement for a warm body next to you. Besides, can the Boyfriend Pillow comfort you when you wake up from a nightmare, or kiss you good morning? I think not!

Winner: Boyfriend

Date Nights

We don’t go out as much as we used to (Matt is really busy with work these days and sometimes you just want to spent a night in with the person you love, you know?), but this is no contest. How am I supposed to have a conversation with a big pillow? But, hey, at least the pillow is always going to want to see the movie I pick, am I right?

Winner: Boyfriend

Socializing

To be honest, this has always been a bit of a sore spot for Matt and I. Matt’s a bit more of an introvert and doesn’t like to go out with my friends a lot, but I think I’m making an effort to get to know his buddies. Still, sometimes it’s like pulling teeth to get him to come to my office parties or to my friends’ weddings. We’re working on it, you know? You make compromises when you’re in love.

And, well, you can’t take a pillow to a bar.

Winner: Boyfriend

Sex

It’s not like he isn’t trying, it’s just that he thought nine consecutive hours of Skyrim took precedence.

Winner: It doesn’t matter; they both just lie there anyway.

Communication

It would be nice if maybe he could take his goddamn headphones out of his head when I’m trying to talk to him. It’s like, I just want to know if you want dinner, Matt, I’m asking you a question that’s going to fulfill one of YOUR needs. I don’t do this for fun.

Maybe you could actually look at me when I talk to you. And yeah, I know, you worked late tonight and you’re exhausted but don’t you think I work too? Don’t you think I’m tired after work too? You can be so selfish sometimes.

I’m a woman, Matt. When are you going to make me feel like one?

Trust

No, that’s fine, Matthew, I’m obviously not going to have a single problem with you going out for “just a couple of beers” with that Lauren woman who I’ve heard you call “the most bangable girl in the office.” Did you think I wasn’t listening to that conversation? Just because you answer the phone in the bathroom doesn’t mean I can’t hear you.

I bet you “enjoy her company.” I bet you enjoy her company all over. Enjoy the company of her vagina.

It’s because she’s thinner than me, isn’t it?

Matthew Joseph Ryan, do not lie to me. Is that where you’ve been going? All those Friday nights when I thought we were going to stay in and watch old episodes of The Muppets but you never picked up your phone? I know your friends, Matt, I know you weren’t out with them. I know you’re never working late — you’re too lazy for that.

Come here. I can smell her on you. You have that look, the same one you had when you “accidentally” killed my parrot right after I moved in. I loved that bird and you knew it.

Sometimes I can’t even look at you.

Winner: Boyfriend Pillow, because he doesn’t have legs to walk out on me with, AFTER I GAVE HIM MY EVERYTHING.

Final verdict: God, Matt, I don’t even know who we are anymore.

The Boyfriend Pillow retails for $28.95 and can be purchased online from Amazon.com.

Matt Ryan recently moved to Toronto’s west end, where he is sleeping with a lot of mean-looking skinny women and saving up money to buy a new guitar because the author won’t give it back because it’s hers now and maybe he should go call Lauren and see if she’ll spot him the few hundred bucks he needs for a new one BECAUSE HE’S MADE HIS PRIORITIES CLEAR, HASN’T HE?