Just Once I Want To Be Worth More Than ‘Almost’

It’s a pattern I know all too well, a script I could write with my eyes closed.

Girl likes boy. Boy makes it seem like he likes girl back. Girl forgets all the times she’s been burned in the past. Girl thinks this time, things might actually last.

Boy makes girl feel special. Girl looks at boy like he’s the answer to every prayer. Girl let’s herself fall a bit too hard, but when boy says falling isn’t what he wants, girl says, “me neither”, and pretends she doesn’t care.

Girl tries to be strong and play along. Girl thinks she can change his mind. But deep down, girl knows boy will never utter the words, “I want you to be mine”. And still, girl tells herself over and over that it’s fine.

Boy gets bored and thinks this is dragging on too long. Boy doesn’t call anymore and stops coming around. Girl doesn’t understand what went wrong. Girl thought boy would catch her when she finally hit the ground.

They say that almost is never enough, but time and time again I’m left thinking it’s me that will never be good enough.

They say insanity is doing the same things over and over , expecting different results, so maybe I’m crazy for thinking that anything will ever change.

But just once, I want to be more than the “almost” girl. The “now’s not the right time” girl. The “look at what we could have been” girl. The “maybe” girl. The “ I like you, but not enough to stay” girl.

Just once, I don’t want to second guess someone’s intentions. I want to know that I’m not crazy for thinking that “I love you” means exactly that. I don’t want to sit here like a mad woman over-analyzing every single word they’ve ever said. I want actions to hold true, promises to be kept. I want to know that they won’t stop talking to me out of the blue.

Just once, I want to give my all to someone who will give me theirs in return. I don’t want to doubt whether or not I’m the only person on their mind. I want to go to sleep knowing that late night conversations will turn into “good morning” texts. I want to know that their fingers are only laced through mine.

Just once, I don’t want to pretend to be something I’m not. I want to be able to act like myself all the time. I don’t want to water down my feelings or feel clingy for showing that I care. I want to send paragraph messages of whatever’s on my mind, instead of calculated one liners I’ve practiced in the mirror one too many times.

Just once, I want more than casual. I want to feel like I’m caught up in more than just some silly cat and mouse game. I don’t want to sacrifice my happiness just to satisfy theirs. I don’t want to feel crazy for saying I want to be more than “friends”.

Just once, I want someone who’s willing to put effort into something real. I want to know that every act of kindness is actually genuine. I want to know that they’re in this for more than some stupid fling. I want to be worth more than a “hey let’s chill” message every other week.

Just once, I want something that isn’t so damn complicating. I want to know that I’m not wasting my time on something that isn’t going anywhere. I don’t want to play the same “he loves me, he loves me not” bullshit that was cool in second grade. I want to be with someone who knows that I deserve a little thing called honesty.

Just once, I don’t want to doubt myself.

Just once, I want to feel wanted every day of the week.

Just once, I don’t want to turn into strangers in the blink of an eye.

Just once, I want to be strong enough to realize that being another “almost” is not what I need.