To All The Boys Who Broke My Heart

Thank you for bruising my feelings.

For every time you made me feel small or worthless with your cruel words. For each tiny arrow you carelessly pointed at my heart. For your lack of remorse every time you noticed a flicker of sadness cross my eyes. And for doing it again. For all those salty tears that streamed down my face as I lay in bed at night alone. For making me feel lonelier than I was before we’d even met.

Thank you.

Because you taught me that no one’s words or actions can harm me, unless I give them truth.

Thank you for loving me half-heartedly.

For all your maybes and your empty promises. For seamlessly switching from scorching hot to ice cold, and back again. For telling me that you cared, while your actions screamed you didn’t. For all the times you let me down, guiltlessly. For deciding that I didn’t deserve a love that was genuine and whole.

Thank you.

Because you convinced me to give my heart and all of my love, to myself.

Thank you for betraying me.

For abusing and breaking all that I thought we had built together. For being able to crush me so completely in a heartbeat. For making me terrified and reluctant to open my heart to anybody ever again. For reducing me to a devastatingly pile of brokenness on the floor. And for all the apologies I never got. For all the apologies my heart is still waiting for.

Thank you.

Because you taught me to be slower to trust the next time.

Thank you for making it clear I wasn’t enough for you.

For all those times you made me question my worth. For making me feel like I lacked the tools required to love you; to love anybody. For making me feel unlovable, and unloved. For making me pick apart my appearance, wishing if only I could make some changes. And berating myself for not being the person who would be good enough to make you stay.

Thank you.

Because I finally realised that I am so much more than enough, riddled with flaws and imperfections, as I am today. These are my flaws. My imperfections. And they make me who I am.

Thank you for leaving.

For disappearing without another word. For falsely coming back into my life, only to leave once again. For not giving me an explanation that I deserved. For driving me crazy with those endless what ifs. For making me think I did something to make you run. Was I too into you? Did I care too much? Did I expect more from you than you had to give?

I want to say thank you. Because one by one, as each of you disappeared, you made way for him.

And against all odds, he managed to put all of my broken pieces back together again.

Sometimes, all it takes is one book. One book that turns your world upside down. One book that changes your entire life.

Bloom by Shani Jay available here.