An Apology To My Body

I used to be afraid of you. I used to fear the power you had over me, despite the many attempts I took at controlling you. I used to think that how you looked was a reflection of who I am. I believed that you were my identity.

I fell victim to the dangerous belief that for me to gain the love and acceptance of other people, you had to look a certain way. And because of this I thought that by changing you, I would change into the person I wanted to be. I thought that if I could just “fix” you, everything else in my life would be okay. Everything would fall into place.

I’m sorry that I used you as a dartboard. I took out every heartbreak on you. I took out every disappointment on you. Instead of treating you with love and respect, I tried to manipulate you. When I saw you in the mirror, I put you down while you simply stood your ground, sturdy as a wall. I didn’t compliment you on all of the wonderful things you could do. I couldn’t understand that you did not determine my value as a person. So I tried to change you. I tried to shape you so that you could fit into new clothes and run further distances. I was in the wrong in my efforts to make you perfect.

But the biggest mistake I made was judging you based on how much space you took up, rather than based on how much heart and soul you carried.

I thought that you were nothing special, you were just the part of me that needed remodeling. I didn’t realize that you were already more than special, and that hurting you was not bettering me.

Even though I put all of my energy into making you “perfect,” I never actually found the perfection I was looking for. I never found perfection because you were how you were supposed to be. And even if I couldn’t see this, I also couldn’t see that I didn’t even know what “perfect” would be. I didn’t have an end goal.

See, nothing was going to be enough for me because you were never the problem. The problem was that I was ignoring my heart and my mind. I was just trying to paint a pretty picture on the outside while forgetting about all of the work that went into that picture. I was focusing on a quick fix. A tangible fix. Something I could hold on to. Something I could see and touch. I wasn’t addressing the real needs, just trying to paint a picture that more people would like.

The only reason I thought you were the problem was because I was so scared to feel anything. I didn’t want to feel the pain of loss, or the pain of sadness, so I just continued to work on you. You were my drug.

I’m sorry that I tried to fix you. I’m sorry for putting you down or not taking care of you when you took care of me. I now fully accept that changing you was not bettering my life. It was not bettering me.

Looking differently didn’t make me more valuable. It didn’t make me a better human being. And it absolutely did not change my relationship with myself.

I’m ready to be your partner. I’m ready to be your friend. Though I may still make mistakes sometimes, please know that I am working on it. The physical weight was not what was holding me down. It was the emotional weight. I’m no longer going to try to lose the physical weight. Instead, I’m ready to release the emotional weight. I’m ready to let go.