Voicemails For Judy Greer From Her Agent

Hey …Julie — is it Greer or Greyer? It’s me, your new agent! It must be so exciting for you to have a real life agent in Hollywood, right? Especially now, in 1997. Such an exciting time for acting!

Listen, before we get real deep here I just want to be blunt. Can I be blunt on your answering machine, Trudy? You’ve got a real “best friend” face and voice. You’re gonna be a great “character actress.” Let’s stick to that for a while, Mindy, and see how it goes. That sound good? Kay. Great, I’m off to attend a fundraiser for unimpeachably moral President Bill Clinton. Talk to you soon, Junie, I’m sure.

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Hey “Speedy Gonzalez”! It’s your agent. That’s what they should call you! Unless of course your last name is Gonzalez and you changed it to Greer. Then, no one should call you that.

Either way, you’re just three years in and we’re booking movies with Rose McGowan and George Clooney. Very impressive, Judy. Garry Shandling called and he’s got this great script he wants you to take a look at. It’s called, What Planet Are You From? and it’s a delightful story about an alien from an all-male planet who comes to Earth to mate with women.

It’s really a metaphor for how men and women interact and how they are soooo different, which is all the rage in the stand-up comedy clubs. Those bits will never get stale. You’ll be playing a quirky flight attendant. Okay, talk soon!

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Hey Judy-Booty-Bo-Booty-Banana-Fana-Fo-Footy! It’s your agent calling. Lots of “dead girl” and “waitress” roles after ‘Love & Money’ was cancelled, for no reason! I just don’t get it! A TV show about a penthouse-dwelling socialite falling for a blue collar guy? The premise was so fresh!

Anyway, I’m calling because I’ve got this great little part for you in a Mel Gibson picture called “What Women Want.” Swoon, right? I mean, Mel Gibson! What a hunk! He could never do anything to change how the public feels about him. Hubba hubba. Call me back!

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IT’S YOUR AGENT CALLING. WHO WANTS TO WORK WITH J-LO??? JUDY, CALL ME BACK.

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Well, well little miss indie cred! It’s your agent calling. I know you still played a waitress in it, but did I (or did I not) get you a role in Adaptation? So what if you were topless! I get it. But Nicolas Cage imagining you naked, huh? More like, my panties were “gone in sixty seconds.” Hey-o!

By the way, did you know you’re averaging about four movies a year, girl? Beep beep! Slow down the Greer-train! Just kidding, don’t. You’re making me look great. Do you need some cocaine? Seriously, how are you doing this? Talk soon!

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Hey Ju-Ju Bee! Agent here. Looks like 13 Going on 30 is a go! You’re playing Jennifer Garner’s sassy best friend, a role I’m pretty sure you nailed in the womb.

But don’t worry! One of your other upcoming projects is directed by… wait for it, M. Night Shyamalan! From “The Six Senses”! How great is that? This movie’s called The Village. Oooh, spooky! Mysterious! And this time you’re not just playing the main character’s friend. You’re playing the main character’s sister!

How’s that for a plot twist? Call me back!

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Hey Judy-patootie. It’s your agent. Looks like we’re going for a record six movies in 2005. Jesus! For real, Jesus never even made that many movies. It’s like you literally have to appear in everything that gets made. Contractually. Is it written in to your contract?

Anyway, things on Arrested Development seem to be going well. Full speed ahead! No hiccups there! That show will be on for six seasons and a movie. I just called to say I think we can relax on the filmmaking for a while. Talk soon.

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Judy-Blume, what the hell is Love Monkey? It’s your agent. Call me back.

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Hey there, Judge Judy. It’s your agent! I hope Sundance for The Go-Getter was fun. Cute cameo on It’s Always Sunny. Gotta keep up with the old comedy roots or whatever.

I’ve got a script here for you for a movie called 27 Dresses with someone named Katherine Heigl. She seems like a sweet girl. You’ll be playing her foul-mouthed sassy best friend. Back to basics, right? Call me.

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HEY JUDE, take a sad song and make it better! But there’s no sad songs here. Congratulations on Miss Guided! Finally you’re the star, the leading lady, the bankable celeb. You’ve clearly got the acting chops and you’ve more than earned it. There’s no way this could only last one season! Talk soon!

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Yikes, Jud-o Chop! That was quick, huh? Er, 2009’s your year, girlfriend! I’ve got a TV show called Mad Love and oh, uh, wanna work with Jennifer Aniston? Oh boy. Call me back.

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Hey Judy-Fruity, it’s your agent. I just nailed down this really amazing opportunity for you. I’ll give you some clues: what’s so hot right now and is using up all the cocaine and Lamictal in Hollywood?

Let’s just say if you land this part it’d be MAJOR LEAGUE. You’d really be part of a platoon, as they say. A real hot shot. You’d never have a day off. GIVE UP? It’s Charlie Sheen!

He’s leaving Two and a Half Men because they can’t fulfill the number of strippers per square inch quota he’s established and his replacement is going to be, wait for it, wait for it… he’s an old co-star of yours who really likes to “Punk” people… Yep! It’s Ashton Kutcher! You’ll probably even get to meet Demi Moore! I mean, why wouldn’t you? They’re always together. They’ll probably be together forever!

What do you say, tiger blood? Roar! Haha, just playing. Call me back!

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Hi hi Judilicious! It’s your agent. I’ve got you booked for every show on TV right now. Modern Family, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Californication (a sassy hooker is better than a sassy best friend, right?) but we really need to sink your teeth back into movie roles — and I don’t mean playing another secretary ala Love and Other Drugs. Let’s use some of that Viagra on your movie career, huh?

Sure, Barry Munday was some nice indie fare, but the script I’ve got here…hold on to your butt. Ready? Marmaduke. The Movie. It’s gonna be dog-gone funny! That’s the actual tagline. SO GREAT. Call me back!

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Knock knock, who’s there? It’s Judy! Come on in, we’re in the Greer! Hahaha, I’ve been working on that one for a while. It’s your agent.

It seems like Archer’s a real cult hit. You’re doing that great quirky thing you do, breaking my heart in to a million pieces! Just kidding. You don’t bring me a million anythings. Except smiles, you America’s sweetheart, you!

In the meantime, I’m faxing over a script from Alexander Payne, the guy who did Sideways, that wine-drinking Giamatti snooze-fest that I can only sit through when I’ve also had a few. Zing! Read it over, see what you think.

I hear Clooney’s on board and the man’s on the prowl. You’re not getting any younger, Judy! All the single Judys, all the single Judys!

Call me back!

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Hey Oscar winner Judith Elizabeth Greer! Is that your middle name? I don’t care. Should I know that as your agent? Probably!

I’M SO, I’M SO, I’M SO PROUD OF YOU! DRAKE! Girl, you did it! You finally broke the mold with The Descendants.

You’ve got some real prestige now that you’ve won that little golden statue. Maybe, dare I say it, I know it’s only been a dream all these years but, oh god, are you now LEADING LADY MATERIAL? I think you are! And I’ve got the perfect script right here in my hot little hands. I hope you’re ready.

Okay, so you play the quirky, sassy best friend of this girl…

[Click]

Judy? Did you pick up?

[Dialtone]

Hello?