What Your Favorite Planet Says About You

Mercury

To list Mercury, a planet that regularly goes into retrograde, as your favorite planet means you secretly enjoy when things get a little kooky. It doesn’t faze you when life turns strange and unusual because you, yourself, are strange and unusual, (as Lydia Deets would say). You wrote fan fiction or loopy poetry (or both) as a teenager. Mercury is the innermost and smallest of all the planets, only visible from Earth during a solar eclipse. Therefore, you’re kind of a loner and an introvert, living inside your own head and preferring to stay out of the limelight. If you’re a dude, women on Livejournal and Tumblr eat you up. If you’re a girl, you’re Luna Lovegood.

Image processing by R. Nunes

Venus

Venus is named for the goddess of love and beauty, and so you dig a nice spa day and after-work cocktails with your girls (even if you’re a guy). You still DVR Gossip Girl despite the fact that it hasn’t been good in years: You just need to know if Chuck and Blair end up together. You love being in love, which you are at least once a week, but you also love playing Cupid and setting up your friends, hoping for a “Thank you” in a wedding speech. You weep every night to The Notebook. One time you actually tried that Cosmo sex tip about putting an ice cube in your mouth and holding a candle while going down on your special someone. It ended in a memorable Valentine’s Day in the emergency room.

Earth

The knee-jerk response to this answer is: “Is your favorite color also beige and is your favorite music ‘elevator’?” Upon further reflection it’s possible that someone whose favorite planet is Earth is just really homey and content with the life they have. You look forward to Friday nights at Chili’s with your high school friends. In the future, you want a house in the suburbs, a tomato garden (sooo Earth-y, right?) and 2.5 Student Council-serving children. You’ll drive a Prius because it’s environmentally friendly, drink white wine at home and watch The X-Factor like it’s an event. It’s cool. You like what’s simple and reliable. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.

Mars

Covered in impact craters and named for the god of war, Mars has definitely been through some sh-t. If it’s your favorite planet, you’re strong and rugged. If you’re a girl, you identify with The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo or the chick from Little Giants. If you’re a guy, you wear a camouflage hat even when you’re not hunting. Whatever your gender, your idea of a great night in is scarfing down beef jerky and Coors while you lift weights and watch the Pay-Per-View Chuck Liddell UFC fight. You’re tough and you’ll throw a punch when a townie calls your hat “queer.” In a pinch, you could probably whittle a canoe from a raw tree trunk. I’m impressed.

Jupiter

Because of Jupiter’s gaseous surface, scientists don’t believe humans will ever land there. If Jupiter is your favorite planet, it means you love chasing the “impossible” dream. Perhaps you’ve fallen in love with a homosexual of the opposite gender or sustained a few childhood head traumas from tree climbing or skateboarding. Maybe you’re really susceptible to being egged on by your siblings? (Jupiter does have 16 moons. That’s like a Malcolm in the Middle situation for the solar system.) Either way, “Danger” is your middle name. Literally. You have such a failure to see consequences that you legally changed it when you turned 18. Challenge accepted.

Saturn

Saturn has about 53 rings (and counting) because of the strength of its magnetic field. Your magnetic field makes everyone with a pulse want to be your friend. You’re fantastic at planning house parties and getting people together in big groups. And you’re somehow always the center of attention. Saturn also has a bunch of moonlets surrounding it; Think Regina George, with her army of skanks. You’re popular, sure, but Saturn’s just the most recognizable planet (The Paris Hilton of planets) — social, but not necessarily mean. Saturn is gaseous so if it is your favorite, make sure you’re not also full of hot air. You’ve got at least 3,000 Facebook friends; how many of them are real friends and how many are just moonlets, you know?

Neptune

Neptune’s orbit has the most constantly changing rotation in our solar system. If Neptune is your favorite planet, you’re being pulled in too many different directions. You have an overflow of interests, you overachieving nut bag. There’s no need to be class president and captain of the volleyball team and a nationally-ranked debater and a classical flutist. Just pick one and get some sleep like the rest of us. Neptune’s orbits are stressing you out, man. You wish you could just be a dancer, but your strict father wants you to go to medical school!!! …And that’s what you missed on Glee.

Uranus

You’re a mix of funny and immature, like a College Humor video or when you throw shaving cream water balloons at your cheating ex’s parked car. Sure it’s childish, but isn’t it also a little bit fun? That’s what Uranus is like: sometimes great to have around (like at a party), not great in serious situations (like waiting for the results of a pregnancy test). When you were younger, you watched Jackass and delighted in inducting people into the “Pen15” club. Uranus, aside from being unfortunately and hilariously named, is also one of the dimmest planets and has a slow orbit, so the SAT probably wasn’t great to you. Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner…yep, still funny.

Pluto

When Pluto was a planet, it was the furthest away and covered in ice — so completely inaccessible and alt. Also, Pluto isn’t even a planet anymore. If it’s your favorite, you are living in the past, and trying to be “quirky” and “ironic” about it. Just stop. In the 1990s, you listened to Korn and scoffed whenever Backstreet Boys beat them out for the number 1 spot on TRL. You like to like bands before even Pitchfork finds out about them. You take great pleasure in telling people your favorite movie is an obscure Danish horror film from the 1970s that you can only get on VHS. No one could never hate you as much as you already hate yourself.