Now Hiring Crushes: The Internet Crush

Job Description: We are looking for an Internet Crush of our preferred sex with an established, regularly-updated social networking presence for whom we will develop an illogical, impossible-to-act-upon crush, which will ultimately make us — the company — feel simultaneously more hopeful and more alone at night, solitary in our rooms, bathed in the soft glow of our computer screen. As the result of the innate human tendency to fill in the gaps of personality- and behavior-related information that online personas by their nature cannot deliver, our own capacity for self-delusion, and the judgment-free comfort, ease and security of flirting online compared to, like, going to a bar and meeting someone, our Internet Crush will be the subject of innuendo-laced Gmail chats and much silent stalking (sorry :/). We might not even get up the nerve to contact our Internet Crush at all; only feel envy toward those who freely retweet and @mention with him or her.

The thing about our future Internet Crush will be that despite the fact that we’ll never really know them, we’ll assume they ‘get’ us and that they are beautiful and sexy and attractive and special. All despite the cold fact that what this person really is is a collection of pictures and text — a storyboard, a picture-book narrative, a hologram, a fantasy. In the rare case that we do end up making contact, or in the rare case that we actually form an online friendship with our Internet Crush, the candidate need not worry — in the deepest recesses of our hearts we are indeed aware that nothing will ever happen; so much expectation and drumming up will scare us away from pursuing any kind of IRL romantic venture. Seems bleak.

Skills: The ideal candidate will have a proven track record of maintaining a stylized and relatable internet social profile that spans from Tumblr to Facebook, and preferably, everything in between. He or she will likewise be fully familiar with internet jargon and appropriate emoticon usage, as well as well-versed in stylized chat methods i.e. lowercase/ uppercase use, effective employment of ellipses, and internet-laugh expertise. The Internet Crush should be able to develop a portfolio of perfectly executed photos of themselves that intuitively matches their status update, Tumblr, Twitter, and blogging styles and, as a portrait, creates a persona worthy of our crush.

Core responsibilities: Daily maintenance of social networking portfolio, appearance in our Gmail chat list.

Requirements:

• Attractive personality/ physical features
• Three-month to year-long commitment
• Practically unreachable unless via flight or medium-length road trip
• Previous experience is preferred
• Maintenance of at least three social networking accounts. Preferred: Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook

Compensation: Hits, a Twitter follow, a Tumblr follow, a Facebook friend request, Facebook status update ‘Likes,’ retweets, @mentions, Tumblr reblogs, Tumblr ‘Likes.’

For consideration, respond to this posting with your resume and cover letter. Calls and drop-ins are not accepted. We are a dog and cat-friendly employer.