25 Men And Women Confess To The Darkest, Most Absurd Secrets They’ve Never Told Anyone Before
I once talked a dude I had never met out of suicide via a phone call. After what happened next, I regret it.
By Eric Redding
1. Identity Swapping Twins
“My grandfather had an identical twin brother. shall refer to grandfather as A and twin as B. Brother A got drafted into WWII, brother B didn’t so he pretended to be A to take A’s better job. Brother A returns from war and brother B’s still pretending to be him, even got promoted a few times. Brother A says, thats cool I’ll be brother C from now on (changed his name). This has gone on for over 50 years, never legally changed it or anything, just gave his identity to his bro and created a new one.”
2. Wasted…Too Wasted
“I once paid for a blowjob from a woman that was probably older than my grandmother. I was so wasted but I remembered everything. I quit drinking for a while after that.”
3. RIP Dennis
“Friend’s toilet doesn’t flush, I poop in trash can. Huge poop. Biggest poop I’ve ever taken. Friend’s family find massive poop in trash can and think that one of them threw out some dog poop, but due to the sheer size they figure that something is wrong with one of their dogs. A few weeks after taking their dogs to the vet, they find out their Yorkie has stomach cancer. Dog dies shortly after, incredibly large poop was seen as a result of the dogs cancer when in reality I pooped in their trash can. They still tell stories of the Yorkie’s poop that was about 3/4 it’s size.
RIP Dennis. You will be missed.”
4. No One Knows The Truth
“I was getting into a car once and somehow managed to slam my eye into the corner of the door.. got a giant black eye from it. Told everyone I got into a fight. No one but me knows the truth.”
5. Doing The Right Thing For Selfish Reasons
“When I was 15, I had my first girlfriend. She was the little sister of one of my very protective best friends, so right off the bat things were a bit sticky. She was a little off and after quite some time of prying she told me in confidence that when she was younger, her uncle abused her. She didn’t want to tell anyone because she figured it would destroy the family. Jump forward six months, and we break up over unrelated matters. The brother(my best friend) called me to a park to talk about it. I was pretty nervous that our friendship would end and the conversation when I got there was leaning towards that. Petty, but we were 15.
In a kind of last ditch effort, I told him about her uncle and what she told me. The conversation was then completely off me and the break up and onto her uncle. We sat there for a long time and I held him as he cried. The fallout from it was massive; the uncle was outed, his wife divorced him, he lost his job, etc. There was major rifts and divides across the entire family that lasted for a very long time. Their family has basically never been the same because of it.
I know what I did was right, because people like her uncle can’t be trusted and the truth should always come out. But in complete honesty, at the time I told my best friend about the uncle I wasn’t thinking about any of that. I was simply trying to distract my friend and take the guilt off me. I’ve never told anyone that and it kind of feels good to let it out. I wasn’t any social justice warrior or even a hero for outing a bad guy, I was just a kid who was nervous.”
6. I Was A Teenage Prostitute
“I made a lot of money working as a prostitute from the age of 19-22.
I stopped because the lifestyle I was living was killing me, I was doing a lot of heroin, I was surrounding myself with really dangerous people who did some really shitty things to me, and I really wanted to kill myself.
I somehow found myself lucky enough to get out and into a new city, and I got help in getting clean. I now work a regular job at a nice coffee shop, I have friends I very much love and are a positive influence on my life.
I’ve told my closest friends, but it obviously isn’t something you go around advertising.”
7. I Don’t Remember It But I’m Pretty Sure He Does
“NSFW response just FYI since I see this thread isn’t tagged. Using a throwaway because i want to get it off my chest, but, you know.
When I was 11 my older brother raped me a number of times(for the record i am male). It was kinda weird in that I literally had no idea what I was doing and don’t even have traumatic memories. It’s just kinda something that I know happened. I didn’t even connect the dots until I was 14, and I didn’t feel that bad about it then.
Honestly, the event probably impacts me more than I give it credit for and I think if I really wanted to just correlate things i would relate a decline in self-valuation to this event. I’m pretty sure my older brother remembers it, he is only 14 months older than me, but I give him the benefit of the doubt. I am pretty sure he didn’t really know what he was doing (I was homeschooled from 6th grade onward so sex ed didn’t exist), and am absolutely certain he regrets it.”
8. Saving Money
“To save up money to move out, I sell nudes.
Some guys want really specific things (leather suits, feet in a certain angle) so it’s easier to ask what they want than trying to find it online. Usually $5-$15 for a few pics and depending on what they want me to do.”
9. A Guilty Pleasure
“I think ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ is one of the greatest songs in history, and when alone in my car, and no other cars are nearby, I try to hit all the notes.”
10. Testicular Torsion Is A Real Thing
“I only have one testicle. The other one was removed when I was in middle school due to Testicular Torsion (where the testicles twist upon themselves) cutting off the blood supply to that area.
Unfortunately for me, I didn’t get to the ER until several hours later, after 1) going to the normal doctor to see what was wrong, and having to wait a long time in line, 2) the doctor saying I needed to get to the ER ASAP, but when I did the doctors there had apparently mixed up my case with someone else’s (not as urgent) case, so I was waiting in the ER for longer than I should have. And then 3) when I finally got to see a doctor, they had to call a second doctor before I could undergo surgery due to my insurance needing a second opinion. With all of those delays they were only able to save one testicle, while the other one had to be removed.
With that being said, if you have a son who is at the late elementary/early middle school age and they suddenly feel an intense pain in their private area for no apparent reason, please get them to the Emergency Room ASAP.”
11. Laughing Along
“I enjoy getting fucked in the ass with a strapon. I’m a pretty normal guy otherwise, but it’s a bit funny to hear people occasionally crack jokes about the subject and I have to laugh along.”
12. The Samaritan’s Dilemma
“I once talked a dude I had never met out of suicide via a phone call.
Two years later the same dude develops a habit of harassing girls to the point they themselves start feeling suicidal. First time I hear of this I tell him to stop, second time I cut all communication with him.
Third time I outright told him I wished I never saved him, and then snuck to his house and left a bottle of bleach at his doorstep.
The dude is still alive. And I still say that saving him was a mistake.”
13. Couldn’t Hold It
“Pissed on the floor at work because I couldn’t make it to the restroom. I was closing and wanted to get out of there ASAP… misjudged how long I could hold it. Didn’t want to piss pants. Was mopping at the time. Convenient.
I am also female, so it was definitely a commitment (i.e. exposing buttocks).”
14. Dumb Kids Who nearly Died
“When we were seniors, Cody & I were just getting drunk and being dumb kids. He drove us to a friends apartment where I don’t even remember leaving, and went back to my house. I remember trying to convince him to stay the night, but he drove home. This was at 1am. I woke up to him screaming at me at 4am about how he crashed his truck. I live at home.
My Dad walked out because he was getting ready for work, and took Cody home. Cody had wrapped his truck around a pole, and managed to not only walk away but he fucking ran to my house. I saw the truck, I would have been killed had I been in it. Cody’s Dad took the damage for the truck, and my Dad never said anything about it. Cody stopped drinking after that. He’s still my best friend, but being dumb kids almost killed us.”
15. Visited An Escort At Nineteen
“I got an escort once when I was 19.
She was a psych student at the same university and graduated from high school a couple years before me. We had a strangely normal conversation lol, like you would with a barista.
Anyway she wrapped my tool, started jerking me off and I said something like, ‘Oh man I wanna be inside you let’s get this ball rolling!’
And she was like, ‘Sorry honey, I’m not full service.’
So I was like, ‘What’s that mean?’
She explained that it means I’m basically just gonna get a handjob.
She was tugging for like 15 minutes and getting a little annoyed like, ‘Are you close to finishing?’
I had to be like, ‘No offense, but I’m not a virgin or anything like that. I’m at a point in my life where it’s hard to get off to a hand job through a condom.’ She was like, ‘Well you’re gonna have to’ and went back at it. I finally busted like 20 minutes later, my dick was completely red and swollen from the whole thing lol
As I was getting dressed I was like, ‘Hey I’m not mad or anything. I totally understand it’s part of the hustle, but I’m not thrilled at forking out 120 bucks for a handjob. Could you school me on how to get more bang for my buck if I get an escort in the future?’
She happily explained to me all the lingo, what to ask for upfront what not to say on the phone etc etc.
I thanked her and as I left she was like, ‘What’s your deal dude? You’re not like a typical client, you look good in your little baseball cap and your stylish jeans. You aren’t a virgin, I don’t often get young guys like you.’ I told her I was just out of a bad breakup and had some xmas money from my grandma to burn.
She ended up just complimenting me and encouraging me to just get out and try to date instead of spending grandma’s money on pussy.
The confidence boost was better than the blowjob. Total sweetie, I saw her on campus once but out of politeness/discretion didn’t acknowledge her.
Was a very surreal experience.”
16. Hooks Up With Boss On A Business Trip
“This is a long story. I went on a business trip with a group from work. The day we left I found out that my husband was sleeping with my brother’s wife. Of course the alcohol flowed and the owner of the company began hitting on me. My roommate went to the room early and I stayed out with a bunch of coworkers and the owner at a bar. He began texting me saying that he would walk to his room, I would walk to mine and then he would come over to mine later so no one would know. He gets there and things get heated, we are going full force when my coworker roommate starts screaming at me to shut the fuck up. She gets upset and runs out, gets in her car and goes all the way back home. It was dark and she didn’t see who the man was. We get back to work and she tells everyone that I was fucking a random and she felt unsafe. So my boss(not the owner) decides that he’s going to suspend me for putting myself and my roommate in danger. I’m not telling anyone that it was actually the owner so I was suspended without pay for a week. The owner paid me my weeks wages plus some secretly. He’s 20 years older than me and married:( I left that job because of it.”
17. Burying Doctor Manhattan
“My best friend, let’s call him Doctor Manhattan, hung himself two years ago. He was an ex-African refugee from the war in Rwanda, with a very promising career in physics. He actually had an offer to work at the LHC, and he looked very much forward to it – that is, until he committed suicide, of course.
It took all of us by surprise. He has always been a very dark individual, and not only by the color of his skin : he definitely had the most fucked up sense of humor I’ve ever seen. We’re talking about disguising himself as a plantation slave for Halloween, or pretending to be named «Kunta Kinte» when a stranger asked his name.
Anyway.
Since he died in the middle of Winter, and that I live in a country where it is impossible to bury the dead in the frozen ground, we had to wait until Summer to actually bury him.
That very day, unfortunately, I had to work extra for some bullshit reason. Immediately after my shift, I ran to the cemetery as fast as I could. It was not really far from there, but still ; I did not want to miss that.
Halfway there, I suddenly heard bells ringing, and singing. I knew too well what that meant.
I missed it. It was too late.
As I came upon the cemetery upon the hill, nobody was left there.
Well, almost nobody.
Manhattan only had two white friends in the city ; me, and Green Lantern. And Green Lantern was next to the coffin, crying.
I went up to him, and asked him what was wrong.
GreenLantern : «Manhattan’s dead, you fucking retard».
Me : «Yeah, but he’s been that way for months. What’s wrong?»
He looked at me, with tears in his eyes. After a long moment of silence, he finally uttered the right words.
GreenLantern : «I can’t get over it, man.»
Me : «Well, so can’t I, and I missed the fucking ceremony.»
GreenLantern : «Fuck, man.»
The heaviest silence fell upon the cemetary, with our dead superhero buddy next to us. Almost as if he wasn’t the most silent one out there. When I had an idea.
Me : «Let’s fucking bury him.»*
Green Lantern stopped crying.
«What the fuck are you talking about?» he said in amidst of a chuckle.
Me : «Let’s bury Manhattan. He would have loved it. Come on man.»
GreenLantern : «Oh, that’s so fucked up.»
Me : «Yeah, but he was.»
GreenLantern : «You’re right.»
So that’s how me and my buddy ended up shoveling dirt with our barehands upon the coffin of our dead friend, grieving in about 15 minutes.”
18. Craigslist and His Best Friend’s Dad
“I posted an ad on craigslist looking to give some oral services to ‘Dl/Married Men’ after talking to one of the guys who answered my ad, he seemed sane so I gave him the address to my apartment. Turns out when I opened the door, it was my best friend’s dad. We both acknowledged this event. I still went to town on him. My best friend is the oldest of 3 boys and the family is “Happily Married” fuck. I am scum.”
19. “Female Badass”
“I have the image that I’m a ‘female badass’ when I show everyone how proud I am that I’m single and that I don’t ever want to get married and have kids. Deep down, I would love to have a wedding and start a family. I just know that no one will be able to deal with me. I was in a physically and verbally abusive relationship, and I wake up screaming from my nightmares in the middle of the night. I don’t trust anyone, and I know that others would rather find someone else. But I’m going to keep letting others think that I’m happy being single.”
20. This Guy Will Steal Your Girl
“My brother was trying to get with this girl. But for some reason her and I hit it off one night when he wasn’t around. We just got along really well, it was very natural. I never intended on stealing her from him because I was seeing another girl. Eventually my brother started dating her but she abruptly broke up with him about two months later because I knew she couldn’t stand being around me all the time when I was the one she liked.”
21. Lied About The Abortion
“A three month fling and I had a pregnancy scare after he ended things with me, citing that he ‘wasn’t ready for a relationship’. He had spent a week trying to convince me to have an abortion, even before I found out there was no baby to abort. A few weeks later, I found out he was in a relationship with someone else, whose Facebook profile picture looked like it was taken on his couch and posted at a time when he and I were still together. Being the unstable and jilted person I was years ago, I convinced him I had lied about not being pregnant and actually had an abortion. He and the girl broke up a few days later.”
22. Burying the Hatchet
“So I was 17, horny as can be. I like butt stuff…like a lot. I wasn’t 18 so I couldn’t buy a dildo (when I turned 18 I used my bday money to buy one…another slightly sad thought). I was jonesing for something in my butt. I had tried a sharpie, a few fingers, there were sadly no cucumbers or anything similar nearby either. Then, a thought comes to me as I scan my room. My eyes meet my Great-grandfathers hand carved axe. The handle is shaped rather penis like, the end is like a dick-head, and almost a foot long! It has a carving on it of my Great grandfathers initials. I’m thinking…owch. It’s remarkably smooth, I wouldn’t get a splinter even if I tried, but the intials look rough on the ass. I shuffle for the free condoms I got handed to me at a recent festival I went to. This should make it a little smoother, right? I lube it up with Vaseline after covering it with a condom, and take it to pound town on myself. It was pretty nice, 10/10. Now I have it sitting in my room, 4 years later. It’s mine now since my grandfather passed and every time I see it I think of the night my 100 year old family heirloom pounded my ass as I busted the greatest nut my pure gay teen heart had known thus far.”
23. Trophy Wife
“I went to a rock concert with my uncle and his son. My uncle convinced me that the only way I would get in is if I pretended to be his wife, I had to wear a wedding ring.
My uncle was in his mid 40’s and I was 16. I didn’t understand why I had to be his wife but I went along with it cause I really wanted to see this band.
My uncle didn’t really pull any moves but he saw a couple of his old college friends and actually introduced me as his wife. He was still married to his actual wife. The weirdest part was my cousin, his son, was two months older than me.
Now that I’m older I kinda realized that my uncle played me because he wanted to have some young, hot trophy wife to show off to his friends. Kinda embarrassed I never realized that until two years later. Borderline incest, however he isn’t my blood-relative. His actual wife is my blood-relative.”
24. Holding It
“Ok. I can’t believe I’m actually about to type this because it’s so insanely embarrassing. In high school I did competitive speech competitions. When I was a junior, I finally made it to state for monologue. I only found out that I had made it to state the Monday before the competition because I was first alternate which meant if one of the competitions couldn’t make the competition then I would get to go to state. Since I found out so late notice, it was only my theater teacher and I at the competition and she had to go judge other rounds. The competition was at University of Oklahoma. So I was this little high school girl all alone on this gigantic college campus. I was terrified.
The way the competition went was that you had to perform three rounds over the course of two days and they would take your scores from all three rounds. It was the last round of the first day and I had to pee so bad. We were sitting there waiting for the third judge to come in so we could start. The judge was about thirty minutes late. I was sitting there having to pee and terrified that if I got up to go, the judge would come in and they would start without me. Right as I was about to muster the courage to get up and go use the restroom, the third judge walks in and they start the round. I performed second but there were still four performing after me (each performance was about 6 minutes long). Finally the last person gets up to perform and I’m freaking out in my head cause I can’t wait to get up and pee. The guy that was performing was insanely hilarious. I don’t remember what he said, but at one point he made me laugh so hard that I literally pees my pants. Not just a little pee, I let it all out. I remember looking around the room to see if anyone noticed. They didn’t. Somehow when the round was over, I managed to get up and throw my jacket around my waist and rush out before anyone noticed what I did.
I was so embarrassed. I always wondered if anyone ever noticed when they went to clean the room. The next year when we went to state, my teacher said there was a new rule that before any of the competitors left the room, the judges had to check it was clean because someone the year before peed all over the floor. When my teacher told us that, my whole class cracked up laughing at how ridiculous you would have to be to pee all over the floor. They had no clue it was me.”
25. The Fake Boyfriend Becomes Real
“I pretended to have a long distance boyfriend for 3 years when I was 13, until 16. Everyone else had boyfriends, and I got asked out only by weirdoes. I picked a good name and a good school for him, created lots of memories. I lived in a high school dorm during two years of this fake relationship, and every night I pretended to talk with him on the phone. I was pretty good at lying too. I even cheated on this fake boyfriend with a really great guy, and told the real one I felt guilty and broke up with him. I was fucked up, and I hated myself, but continued it anyway.”
