Ranking The Women On This Season Of ‘The Bachelor’ By How Depressing They Seem

Astrid

Astrid has a feather tattoo AND an infinity symbol on her wrist. She’s also most afraid of “getting old and wrinkly.” (Note to Astrid: this is the kind of fear you can avoid by developing what’s called ‘a personality’).

Elizabeth

Elizabeth’s dream is for her kids to go to the same high school she did, which is officially the saddest dream I have ever heard.

Sarah

Sarah is a grade school teacher from Newport Beach. I haven’t heard her speak yet but you just know she’s going to have a teeny tiny baby voice. She’s this season’s Amanda.

Jaimi

Jaimi is a chef who doesn’t eat meat, which immediately ruins all the cool things about dating a chef. She has a very cringey “heart-shaped grenade” tattoo on her lower back. She also dumped someone because he sang her a song at a restaurant, so I’m not really sure what show she thinks she signed up for, but she probably isn’t going to like this one.

Alexis

Alexis’ occupation is ‘aspiring dolphin trainer’ which, me too obviously, but she’s 23 so… I don’t know if aspirational counts at this point. She moved to Miami alone, which is cool, but of 5 things she “can’t live without” two are whitening strips and fake eyelashes which is so, so, so depressing.

Angela

Angela is a model from the south who loves her mom and wants to be married with at least one kid in the next 5 years. She is a cardboard cutout of a girl who is a contestant on The Bachelor.

Josephine

Josephine is an unemployed nurse, which seems… extremely hard?

Kristina

Kristina wants to know if her bio mom’s ‘decision’ to ‘choose’ alcohol over her was worth it. Which is just… a lot for a Bachelor contestant profile.

Dominique

Dominique is a 25-year-old restaurant server living in Los Angeles, like every single other woman living in Los Angeles. She really wants to get Chipotle with Leo DiCaprio and Jesus.

Briana

Briana is a surgical nurse who moved to Utah on purpose. She doesn’t seem quite as bland as the other girls, but the fact that this bar is breathtakingly low is what keeps her on the bleak side of the spectrum.

Susannah

Susannah is an account manager living in San Diego. She idolizes Chrissy Tiegan and Ariel (the little mermaid). Seems legit.

Brittany

Brittany is a travel nurse who wants to get married in the next five years and work in a hospital. She hates when men are rude to servers at a restaurant, so that’s a good sign?

Liz

Liz is a doula, so hopefully she gets in interesting fights with people about bored rich women having home births in an era when you can actually just go to a hospital and have a medically trained doctor do that for you.

Danielle L

Danielle has two butterfly tattoos.

Danielle M

Danielle is destined to get air time this season because her fiance passed away, which is Chris Harrison’s plotline wet dream. Remember how much he fawned over Emily? Please do this in a remotely tasteful way ABC…

Jasmine B

I was really torn on where to place Jasmine. I immediately liked her because she’s very beautiful and seems interesting, but at the end she starts talking about her past relationships and the responses make her seem really immature. She was engaged once but “he ended up proving he doesn’t deserve my greatness.”

Vanessa

Vanessa is Andi Dorfman’s doppleganger.

Olivia

Olivia works in sales and lives in Nashville. She was the kicker on her high school football team, which is really cool.

Rachel

Rachel is an attorney from the south, which we know is something Nick is definitely into (Andi). She loves Michelle Obama and Justin Bieber which, me too bb. Me too.

Hailey

I’m placing Hailey down here because she’s not a cookie-cutter contestant. She doesn’t consider herself to be romantic, traveled to China to build schools, and her favorite musician is Sheryl Crow. Maybe this unconventional contestant is right for an unconventional bachelor?

Ida Marie

Ida Marie thinks strawberries are ‘sexual’ and loves eating Cheetohs and pickles (together). She might actually be dumb, or she might just be really quirky and fun to watch.

Taylor

I love Taylor sfm because for ‘favorite designer’ she put ‘Forever 21’.

Raven

Raven owns a fashion boutique in Arkansas and seems legitimately cool and down to earth.

Lauren

Lauren seems cool enough, she has a law degree and good values, but she self-describes as a “country person” which I don’t think Nick sees himself as.

Whitney

Whitney is a leggy pilates instructor from Minnesota. I feel like Nick is going to fall over himself to get to know her.

Lacey

Lacey is a marketing manager who lives in NYC and speak arabic. It doesn’t seem like Lacey will go far on this show, which is a compliment to her.

Christen

Christen looks like an Andi/Kaitlyn hybrid, so it seems like she’d have a really good chance with Nick??? She loves Katniss Everdeen and Jesus (which, I think Nick is kind of opposed to because he thinks it’s not a smart person thing). In any case, she will be exciting to watch.

Jasmine G

I laughed at Jasmine’s profile because she describes herself as the female Guy Fieri, which is just… super bold to identify with someone so universally hated. But he does have a sweet gig, and she’s right that the show would be much more endearing and watchable with a spunky female host.

Corrine

Corrine has Smiling Bitchface Syndrome which, honestly, I’ve never encountered before. She owns her own online business which allows her to travel (this is a subtweet to Nick). It seems like she will be fun to watch if she makes it far.

Michelle

Michelle owns a food truck which is cool as hell.