I’m Not Sorry I Left, I’m Sorry I Stayed

To be vulnerably honest, I wanted to show you, to tell you, to make you feel what I was feeling for you. I wanted to say it but I was not quite sure just yet. I wanted to position you exactly where I wanted you for quite some time now. I wanted to make you nervous, uncomfortable. I wanted to show you what you’ve been missing; that one thing you’ve not felt in a while.

Well, I wanted to overwhelm you with that emotion over and over again until you drop down to your knees, and you can’t pretend anymore. And as much as I wanted to peel off your masks one after the other, there wasn’t much I can’t do. After all, you always win. You’re the jury and I’m the weapon; I’ll somehow always be guilty. With you, I have had my heart handed to me in pieces that I don’t recognize. Some sort of unfairness that I cannot bear.

Slip through my fingers. Fall out of love with me. Let me go. Wake-up the next day like I don’t exist, like I don’t matter, like I am nothing.

Darling, I choose losing you over losing myself and I would rather be abandoned by you than be abandoned by me.

I choose to look forward than backward. In other words, I would rather go to bed alone than have you by my side, feeling some kind of empty. I would rather look into your eyes and not recognize you than look myself into the mirror and see a stranger.

I am not sorry I didn’t let you get the best of me. I am certainly not sorry for not letting the way you handled my love change me into a lover I am not. I am not sorry I didn’t let you pollute my understanding of what real love is.

I am not sorry I didn’t wait for you to blurt out the words your eyes said when mine cried. I am not sorry I didn’t let you continue on insulting my intelligence, taking my powers for granted, one after the other. I am not sorry I didn’t tell you about how my past made me into the person I am. I am not sorry I didn’t share with you my deep, true essence.

I am not sorry I was in control when you couldn’t be, I am not sorry I was spontaneous when you didn’t let me. I am not sorry I didn’t trap you. I am not sorry that I didn’t play you. I am not sorry that I didn’t get revenge.

Don’t go too fast though. Because I really am sorry I couldn’t get through to you. I am sorry I didn’t change your mind to see and believe that someone like me does really exist. Someone who won’t lie to you, cheat on you, betray your trust, or blind side you. Someone who takes care of you, witness your battles, loves you truly, deeply, honestly and freely.

I am sorry I couldn’t make you brave, loving, or kind. I am sorry I didn’t make your laugh last an eternity like I wished I could. I am sorry I aimed to tear your wall apart, let the light shine just right through, resonating with you and in everything you do. I am sorry it’s a memory instead of a reality; a memory too good to be true, too real to be an illusion.  I am sorry I stayed a little too long.

“You thought
There were no boundaries
What, you just pushed me too far
I guess nobody taught you
Nobody taught you how to love

I don’t know why I used to love you
I don’t, I don’t, I don’t
Gonna let it sink in..”