Woman Seeking Someone To Help Her Get Some Chill

I have no chill.

Those genes of perpetual laid-backness and ~*~whatever, man~*~ mentality completely skipped me (if they were even in my bloodline at all) and now I’m trapped in a world where everyone doesn’t care and I care far, far too much.

I do Crazy Girl™ things like:

1. Call people on the phone (read: verbal texting). And I do it because I do not have *the chill* to wait for people to respond to me sometimes.

2. On some rare occasions, I will even leave a voicemail of me just groaning because the person ignored my call.

3. Say things out loud to people—even if they are things that that other person might not have wanted to hear.

4. Express opinions on the internet—even if I know probably not everyone will agree with me.

5. Not be able to control my face when I don’t like what someone is saying and then having the audacity to voice a differing opinion.

6. Triple text. Anyone. I’ll do it to you.

7. Caring. Oh, MAN, do I care.

I am an overall threat to the Movement of Universal Chillness. I flail a lot. I physically can’t lounge anywhere (I do think I have restless leg syndrome, but also, my body biologically rejects relaxation). My voice reaches the high octave of a pubescent boy when I dislike something that’s happening.

I am naturally found in a state of panic. To the point where I sometimes panic about how often I’m panicking.

Help me.

I’m looking for someone—anyone—to teach me how to not give a fuck.

Send me your emotional superpowers that allow you to be cool with not defining relationships.

Teach me your ways of avoiding ever being called “needy” in response to asking for basic human interaction and attention.

Invite me to a meal and then not tell me what exact time we’ll be meeting and/or where we’ll be meeting and make me be ~*~totally ok~*~ with it all.

Put me in a situation I cannot control and force me to accept it. Because I love control. And I hate accepting things out of said control.

So, please forward all condolences and chill AF vibes to: katiehasnochill@yahoo.com. For the better good and chill factor of my being.