Thoughts From An Eating-Disordered Mind

The eating disordered mind is plagued with obsession and self-hatred. It strives for perfection but it’s never attainable. I refer to my eating disordered mind as a separate entity, almost like a separate person. His name is Ed.

Ed has been my best friend, my lover, and my care-taker. He has been there for me through my moments of despair and through my episodes of happiness. Never have I had a person in my life who is so loyal.

But perhaps he is too loyal. Perhaps he is attached to me, becoming me, engulfing me. Maybe he isn’t truly my best friend. Maybe one day he will be the death of me.

Ed is a liar, a manipulator and a bully. He has destroyed me through and through. He is power hungry, and I fed him a 5-course meal while he starved me until I was nothing. I am a zombie puppet, he pulls the strings and I respond like it’s a reflex. I am what he says I am. I do what he says I do. And although he holds me close and dearly, I am breaking in his arms.

Never have I had a person in my life who is so loyal, he stays when everyone else leaves. His words, although they are poison, circulate through me sweetly. I am a walking contradiction. This is what it’s like having the mind of Ed fighting with the mind of recovery.

Ed has taken a toll on my body, causing a delay in my heart’s circuitry, as well as orthostatic hypotension and electrolyte deficiencies.

I am fighting against the strongest person I know, but maybe, just maybe, I am stronger than him.

Eating disorders are the deadliest of all mental illnesses. Recovery is a battle. You have to face food almost 24/7 in daily conversations, advertisements, social media and mealtime. Unfortunately it’s not like a bad habit that you can just give up, it’s an addiction. I have suffered for almost 10 years now with this illness, but I have been coming back out to fight him every time I fall down.

If you or anyone you know is suffering with an eating disorder, please seek help. Four out of ten people have either personally experienced an eating disorder or know someone who has. Eating disorders are a struggle for about 10 million females and 1 million males in the United States. You are not alone and you deserve help. Silence only makes Ed even stronger.

Fight with me, our voices are stronger than his.