Brief Letters To My Mom
Why’d you leave me with your crazy sister when you went into labor? She let me drink orange juice and milk at the same time and I threw up everywhere, now I’m scared. Come back soon.
Age 4
Dear Mom,
How come you’re brown and I’m white? My brother is brown like you, does that mean you love him more? Why’d you leave me with your crazy sister when you went into labor? She let me drink orange juice and milk at the same time and I threw up everywhere, now I’m scared. Come back soon.
Age 6
Dear Mom,
You’re pretty.
Age 9
Dear Mom,
Stop telling all of our family members about the boys I like. I’m too tall and I have curly bangs and gaps in my teeth, so they don’t like me back. Quit embarrassing me.
Age 10
Dear Mom,
I’m sorry your mom died. Congratulations on becoming a nurse. Also, you’re too old to get your belly button pierced, why’d you do that? Let dad cut his ponytail off, I hate it. Sorry for stealing all of those books from the library. It doesn’t mean that you failed as a parent, just that I like to read. And steal.
Age 11
Dear Mom,
If you don’t buy me those expensive sneakers, no one will ever kiss me.
Age 13
Dear Mom,
I seriously hate you for moving me away from all of my friends. I’m going to do a ton of drugs and get pregnant just to make you realize the mistake you’ve made. I hate you, I’m not joking.
Age 14
Dear Mom,
Sorry for letting Naia pierce my ears with a sewing needle in her bathroom. I wouldn’t have done it, but I asked you to take me to Piercing Pagoda and you wouldn’t, so I had to. Hope you understand.
Age 15
Dear Mom,
The other day I saw a book in the backseat of your car called “Battling Depression” and I didn’t know if it was for me or for you. Are you okay? I’m not.
Age 16
Dear Mom,
Please don’t tell my friends about the time you were kidnapped and almost killed by a cab driver, please don’t tell them anything unless it’s about being my mom, because then I’d have to look at you like a human being and I don’t think I can handle it.
Age 18
Dear Mom,
Thank you for taking care of me when I’m sick, even though I’m in college now. Why do you still have the glass pipe you confiscated from me two years ago? I’m taking it back.
Age 20
Dear Mom,
I’m sorry your dad died. I can tell you don’t think my boyfriend is right for me. Thanks for waiting until now to talk to me about sex even though I’ve been on birth control since I was 16. Stop asking me if I like sex.
Age 21
Dear Mom,
Thank you for making those cocktail recipes from O Magazine whenever I visit.
Age 24
Dear Mom,
You’re moving to Florida after my 25th birthday, which is in a few weeks. Are you sure you wanna do this? You can still change your mind. You’re too young to move to Florida, after all. Who are you going to grill about their sex life? Go shopping with? Take care of? You’re making a big mistake. Will you have a guestroom? 
