When You Fall In Love With Your Best Friend, But It All Falls Apart

Maybe it starts out as any friendship would, exchanges of shy smiles, casual talks of mutual interests. You know, the basics. Maybe you don’t think anything of it. Maybe you feel some attraction but you toss it aside, or maybe you fall right into the unfathomable trap of her bright eyes and now you have discovered there’s no escaping them.

That last one, that’s where I am.

The first time we spoke, you had taken me to lunch after class. We revealed our hearts like they were secrets waiting to be heard from someone worthy, a trustful confidante.

I began to know you and learn you, like that favorite book you just can’t put down. I began to write you into my story, a luckless romance, the pages filled with eraser dust and half-written paragraphs begging for a happy ending.

I needed you like the grass needs rain, like the tides need the moon. You didn’t need me.

Our friendship grew as the years passed by. You would hold my hand when we crossed the street. You would kiss my cheek to say goodbye. I would latch onto your every movement, your every word. I thought we were inseparable. You thought, well, I don’t know what you thought. I still don’t know. But now, we don’t talk except for those few comments here and there via social media. It stings.

I still see you passing by, but it really is just a stranger on the street. I still hear you sing in harmonic minor, accompanied by your fingers through my hair. I still feel your heartbeat against my ear when I sleep. I still look for your eyes that used to light up when I would walk into a room. I still listen for the “I love you”s and the “I will always be here”s. But it’s all a hopeless feat.

I’m pretty sure you’ve moved on, not that you had something to move on from. I’m almost certain that you’ve found a new someone, not that I ever was a someone to you like that. I can’t help that it feels that you played me. I can’t help that you believe otherwise.

I can’t reverse that I got caught up in lies and false hopes. I can’t reverse that first day you reached out to me, not that I would want to. I can’t stop my heart from loving you, as much as I actually do have that desire. I can’t stop my mind from thinking of you, as much as I wish I could rid myself of the pain.

Maybe it ends with a polite goodbye, all misunderstandings now comprehended, all feelings resolved and steady. Maybe it ends with a falling out, a mutual ending that was silently accepted, or maybe it ends with you heartbroken, almost lifeless, and falling to the floor with soundless screaming and breathless crying while she walks away.

That last one, that’s where I am.