Please Forgive Me For Still Being Hung Up On You

I wonder how long it will take me to forget you?

I feel sad whenever I remember the gravity of my love for you, and how you took that love for granted. I’ve always had this one great fear: the fear of not being enough. But I’ve always been able to live with that fear because somewhere inside me, though very small, kept on believing that it’s not true. And then you came along, and you realized that fear. Despite my efforts of prioritizing you, and loving you, and holding on, you still left me. You walked out of my life—like everyone else did. And you left without even a goodbye, without even an explanation. Every night, I visited our memories and tried to look for my shortcomings. I questioned my choices and I questioned myself. And as I tried to figure out the answers, I always ended up getting lost in the pool of negativity that threatens to drown me every chance it gets.

By making me believe that you loved me and then leaving me behind, you damaged so much of me. You took away my faith in myself. So I know it’s been months, but the wound you left are as painful as it was the day you broke me.

So forgive me for hurting.

For allowing myself to drown in sadness. For taking so much time to forget what you’ve done. For not being able to move on as fast as you did. For holding on to what we had before you left. Forgive me, and don’t worry. Don’t worry because even though it’s slow, I am healing. I am getting there. I am picking myself up and I am doing my best to move forward and leave what we had.

And one day, I will greet you with a genuine smile without bitterness in my heart. I will talk to you without unexpectedly breaking down. I will remember you without the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘what could’ve been.’ One day, I will see you and I will feel nothing.

But for now, just for now, forgive me for hurting.