What Your Grade School Picture Day Backdrop Says About You

Picture Day, aka The Worst Day Of Every Child’s Life, is a staple in American culture. While kids are forced to participate in this vain tradition well into college, the celebration of Picture Day is most egregious during elementary school. This is true for any number of reasons; the little black combs that screamed “You’re not good enough, fix up you little slob;” the photo assistant forcing a mirror into your gawky, loose-toothed face (what a nightmare); the dressing up in your asinine Sunday’s Best for an entire school day. Worst (or best) of all – choosing your Picture Day backdrop. Who knew that in choosing a Picture Day backdrop, you were choosing your destiny? Behold, what your grade school Picture Day backdrop says about you. Probably. Maybe.

Bursting Stars – You were really into making peace signs and wearing mood rings. Your parents let you do your own hair. You owned too many friendship bracelets and will one day own too many hemp bracelets. Your parents probably smoke weed, and you’ll follow in their footsteps.

Bookshelf – Your parents were sentenced to reading to you every night as soon as you learned how to speak, so naturally, they chose the book backdrop on your behalf. You loved reading, but felt like perhaps that wasn’t the most defining aspect of your personality. You were a star who didn’t get to burst (blame your parents). One day, you’ll learn that namedropping classic novels will earn hesitant respect from whoever you’re holding conversationally hostage, and maybe even sex.

Foliage – You were probably born in autumn, the superior season, and you’ll never let anyone forget it. You probably have brown hair and eyes. Back-to-school shopping used to give you a boner. In a few years, you will own a pair of Birkenstocks. You’ll be classified as Bohemian later on in life.

Forestry – You’re going to play sports, soccer most likely. You have strong calves. If you’re a boy, you have a mushroom cut. You’re probably wearing one of those fake letterman jackets with a royal blue body and white leather sleeves. You’ve been fishing at least once in your young life. You will have no trouble getting laid, at least until after college when your jock-like charm fails to translate into the real world.

Lasers – You were born between the late ‘70s and the mid ‘80s. Your parents were obsessed with Star Trek. You’d consume way too much sugar at lunchtime and perhaps not coincidentally, you were the first in your class to be prescribed Ritalin. During your adolescence, you created a bunch of websites which you later abandoned, leaving Geocities graveyards all over the internet. You will grow up to be an engineer of some sort; perhaps you’ll head a tech startup.

Chalkboard – You were kind of dorky, and this backdrop did nothing to help your cause. Of course, you would’ve chosen Lasers—it was your dweeb parents who checked off the ‘Chalkboard’ box on the Picture Day questionnaire. One day, you’ll lose the glasses and the rat-tail and your Chalkboard picture will make members of the preferred sex swoon. Early-onset intellectuality and the ability to embrace your inner nerd will save the day! (Like… 15 years later.)

Blue Skies – Your parents remembered it was Picture Day at the last second. They will not be ordering additional wallet-sized photos. You will likely forget to invite them to your wedding.

All of the Above – Because we’ve endured almost twenty years of Picture Day, it’s likely that we’ve all been Laser Kid or Foliage Guy at some point in our lives. You explored your options at a time when being a chameleon was cute and expected, not indicative of some sort of personality disorder. You’re probably a well-rounded adult who cringes at the sight of your Picture Day photos. Congratulations.