How To Not Date A Dirtbag

Firstly, you are not dating. Doing too many whiskey shots and then stumbling home to messily bump and grind for 15 minutes has never, and will never, constitute ‘dating’, at least not in the normative sense. Moreover, Dirtbags don’t date, so don’t drop the d-bomb in their presence or delude yourself into describing your relationship this way to your friends.

If you think this sounds like something you can deal with without being overly romantic (note that this is different from being overly dramatic, which is completely acceptable. We’ll get to that soon), the second thing you need to do is identify a Dirtbag, which is harder than it sounds. Keep in mind that not all boys are Dirtbags. When you’re looking for a Dirtbag, you must Let Go of the notion that all men are ‘the same’ because of that one time a Dirtbag posing as a Nice Guy hurt you. Think of it like shopping for leather in a Thai market place—“same, same, but different.” In other words, don’t be fooled by the presence of the penis; this denotes nothing more than “pees standing up,” and even then, you can never be entirely sure. Likewise, keep in mind that not all girls are non-Dirtbags.

Once you have identified the Dirtbag you’d like to not date the next step is getting their attention. This involves posing as a Dirtbag yourself at the next party/ bar/ social occasion you see Dirtbag at. Flirt, but make sure they see you flirting with other people too. When you’re flirting with Dirtbag exclusively, make filthy sexual innuendo but do not, repeat, DO NOT direct these loaded comments at Dirtbag or touch Dirtbag’s arm/ knee/ shoulder while saying them. You are aloof; you are an island, YOU DO NOT WANT TO TOUCH DIRTBAG’S GENITALS.

Once you’ve passed off some nonchalant flirting, try to avoid talking exclusively to Dirtbag for the rest of the occasion. Do not make excuses to be in Dirtbag’s company, or even in vague proximity of Dirtbag. Do not eye-fuck Dirtbag across a crowded room. If you know when you’re going to see Dirtbag again/ have Dirtbag’s number/ are Facebook friends with Dirtbag, leave without saying goodbye. If not (and only then) you can approach Dirtbag by means of a proxy—wait until Dirtbag is speaking to someone you know and approach that person all but ignoring Dirtbag. If you feel confident, you may now disarm Dirtbag by saying something flippant like “we should hang sometime,” but make very sure that you’re being flippant. Flippancy will get you everywhere. If you feel confident, don’t say anything at all and instead just slip a scrap of paper with your number into Dirtbag’s hand/ bag/ pocket. If you feel really confident, just say your goodbyes and wait for Dirtbag to add you on Facebook (Dirtbags love Facebook).

After this initial meeting, a number of things may happen. Dirtbag may ask you out on Facebook chat. Dirtbag may hunt you down through mutual friends and contact you when you least expect it. You may contact Dirtbag next time you’re at the local pub with friends and invite Dirtbag to join you. There are countless options as to what might happen next, but the key is to maintain flippancy. Think of Flippancy as your new best friend. OH HAI, FLIPPANCY, LUV U FROM WHEN YOU HELPED ME GET THAT DIRTBAG! Hopefully the next time you see Dirtbag he or she will ply you with some kind of alcoholic shot—the moment Dirtbag buys you a shot is the moment you know you’re going to touch Dirtbag’s genitals (even though you’re still keeping up the façade of not wanting to touch Dirtbag’s genitals).

Once you’re alone with Dirtbag and the clothes start coming off, so too should your inhibitions. Don’t be afraid to show Dirtbag your most disgusting, freaky side—a true Dirtbag will marvel at your kinky ways. ALWAYS use protection when sleeping with a Dirtbag; while ‘Dirtbag’ is not necessarily synonymous with sleeping around, it can normally be equated with a level of irresponsibility, carelessness or frivolity, so don’t take any chances. Dirtbag is all about having fun in the now so you don’t want any nasty reminders (bastard children and/ or swollen genitalia) a year down the track.

If Dirtbag turns out to be more than a one-night dalliance, don’t get carried away with your imagination. You are not going to “change” Dirtbag. Dirtbag is not going to “settle down” with you. Chances are, Dirtbag is achingly good looking, and surprisingly or not, incredibly intelligent and/ or naturally talented in some kind of creative field. Dirtbag probably also has many deep sensitivities, insecurites and emotions, and will probably share these with you in the early hours of the morning while you hold their naked body and stroke their hair. Dirtbag is, therefore, incredibly compelling—which is probably the very reason Dirtbag became a Dirtbag in the first place. Don’t be fooled or romantic about it though—Dirtbag, for all his or her shiny bits, is also self indulgent and affected. Dirtbag does not want to hear about your problems, or be there for you when you feel bad. Moreover, don’t become a sucker just because the sex is amazing, which it most certainly will be.

This is not to say Dirtbag does not want to engage in emotional foreplay with you. Don’t be afraid to call Dirtbag out on Dirtbag actions. Combine a blind insanity and irrational argument with heightened emotions and, of course, flippancy, and you’ve got yourself a cocktail of Dirtbag aphrodisiac. Scream and throw things—let yourself be the most indulgent, Hollywood, deranged version of yourself knowing that you would never, ever act this way with friends, family, or The One. This is half the fun of not dating Dirtbag—dallying with the Courtney Love persona that you love voyeuristically watching, are secretly intrigued by, but that you have never actually experimented with.

Your relationship with Dirtbag may only last one night—it may last indefinitely, or for what seems like a lifetime. The most important thing to remember when not dating Dirtbag is to take every moment for what it is and never lose touch with your sense of self. Sure, there will be moments when Dirtbag makes you feel bad, and that’s part of not dating Dirtbag, but just be sure the dramatic moments feel like play-acting, and that they tie in with the fun of not dating a Dirtbag. Once they become real, or if you begin to feel genuinely hurt by Dirtbag’s actions, that should be your cue to leave, because maintaining your self worth is paramount when not dating a Dirtbag. Otherwise, go forth, be dirty, and do the wild things that Dirtbags do, because I can tell you, not dating a Dirtbag is some of the best fun you can have in your roaring 20s.