MySpace Tom Begrudgingly Describes Facebook

So uh, this is it. It’s blue and white and there’s really no way to jazz it up, no way to customize. Some people call the user interface ‘clean,’ which it is – it’s sort of really sanitized and depressing, like a hospital room, you know? Not much personalization to be had… anyway.

You’ve got your friends list over there, on the left-hand side of the page, Facebook is really innovative in that way. A social networking platform with the friends list on the left-hand side of the page, now that’s an idea with some longevity. No one will ever accuse you of ripping off MySpace and stealing all of its users now, Zuckerberg. Atta boy. So, yeah, I guess searching for people is kind of simple since you don’t have to remember their goofy usernames. People are ‘over’ goofy usernames, you know – wait, wait. Scroll back up. Well look at this – apparently Megan MoTiVatEdWoMyN Jameston is not over ‘goofy usernames.’ Who would’ve thought?

Hey, while we’re reviewing this uh, Facebook thing, why don’t we listen to some sweet tunes? Why, I’ll just type in ‘Big Deal‘ right in the search bar and we’ll be jammin’ in no time – oh, that’s right. Facebook doesn’t give a crap about music. That’s MySpace that throws all of those secret concerts featuring some of the most visible, relevant bands in the Western world. Man, I remember vibing with so many sweet bands back in the day. I almost got the words ‘All Access Pass’ tattooed on my chest, because that’s what being MySpace Tom is all about. Guess we’ll just browse in good ol’ melancholy-tinged silence. Don’t blame me, blame Facebook.

Over here, relegated to obscurity because Facebook doesn’t want you to express your individuality – wait, I didn’t mean that. Let me start over in a more positive and supportive manner. Hey, check this out! It’s my favorite Facebook app – Bumper Stickers! You know how on MySpace, you, the user, have free reign to decorate with things like custom backgrounds and pictures of your favorite band? The Bumper Stickers app allows you to do the same thing, in a communist, control-freak, Facebook sorta way. Heh, I hope you guys don’t like .gifs of cats and James Van Der Beek, though! I happen to think .gifs of cats and James Van Der Beek are the be all, end all of cool, but you’re not allowed to have .gifs on Facebook. THEY’RE TOO MUCH FUN.

I hope my veracity isn’t getting you down, truly. But if it is, maybe you should update your mood, tell your friends what you’re feeling? Whoops! Silly me! You can’t update your mood because Facebook doesn’t care about how you feel.

You know what? Forget this – and forget you, Mark. I shook your hand bro, welcomed you to the club. I even gave you a goddamn custom MySpace profile, and you didn’t log in once. When you’re down and out and trying to figure out where to turn to next, don’t expect a free Twitter tutorial from me (@MySpaceTom). Quit ignoring emerging social platforms, I dare you. After all, we’re all ‘friends’ here. Are we not?

I’m off to get drinks with Ev and Naveen. Have fun with that dicfacership you’re running over there.

Oh yeah – accept my friend request, brother.