5 Things You Can Do In A Public Restroom

1. Write on the Walls

This is an ideal activity for anyone who has ever wanted to commit a crime but was too scared they’d get caught. Writing on the walls of a bathroom stall is entry-level vandalism and will most likely never result in a misdemeanor. So, select a stall, pull out your sharpie, crayon, spray can, paintball gun, etc. and go to town! Snag the handicapped stall if it’s available – there’s more wall space for your art and you’ll get the added thrill of taking something that wasn’t meant for you (unless you are handicapped, in which case, you are entitled). Try your best to entertain future stall occupants by giving them something great to stare at while they take a dump. You could issue a friendly warning about the herpes outbreak at the Alpha Delta Douchebag frat house or simply remind people to wash their hands post-ass-wiping. You could draw your favorite Kama Sutra position along with some lyrics to your favorite rap song. You could write down the phone number of your ex accompanied with the message, “For terrible sex and an STD, please call!” The opportunities are endless.

2. Cry

Crying in public is really no fun and not at all recommended, but if you must, it absolutely should be done in the sanctity of a public restroom. The moment you feel the waterworks start, dash into the bathroom and let it all out. Sob about the guy who just dumped you, your overbearing mother-in-law calling you fat, or your dog getting hit by that milk truck. When you exit the stall, there will inevitably be someone standing there washing her hands. She’ll ask you if you’re alright as she hands you a tissue. Overwhelmed with emotion, you’ll explain the whole situation as she helps you reapply your makeup. Then, as you brush away your last tear, she’ll offer you some piece of advice that totally makes everything seem all better. Don’t believe me? Go rent a romantic comedy and/ or watch any episode of Sex and the City. Strangers are doing this kind of brilliant shit all the time.

3. Have Sex

You’re sitting in the restaurant trying to have an intelligent conversation, but you can’t keep your hands off each other. You don’t know if it’s that you haven’t seen each other all week or if it’s that third glass of wine, but you want it and you want it now! So, head over the bathroom and scratch the itch! Same sex couples have the clear advantage here, as they can just waltz in together, lock the door and do the dirty. In a heterosexual situation, I would recommend the men’s restroom, only because if someone walks in on you, a woman is more likely to complain while a man is more likely to give you both a high-five (#genderstereotyping). Have the guy walk in first and check to see if the coast is clear. The girl can sneak in quickly after and then the fun begins!

Note: Don’t let not having a partner prevent you from having sex in a public restroom! Masturbating in a bathroom stall is perhaps not the most glamorous thing in the world, but it’s a great way to kill a couple minutes in the middle of the work day or procrastinate while studying for an important exam in the university library. In fact, you may even return back to work feeling more relaxed and less distracted by your boredom woody.

4. Have a Secret Phone Conversation

Oh. My. God. Worst blind date ever! He has severe halitosis and yet insists on talking about his new gaming system three inches from your face. Plus, you’re pretty sure that’s his dandruff in your ceaser salad and not ground parmesan. The only thing getting you through is that you know how much fun it’s going to be to get drunk with your girlfriends later and tell them how awful this night has been. Oh Jesus Christ, he just dropped a forkful of spaghetti in his lap. This can’t wait – run into the bathroom and call your BFF immediately. Laugh and lament together about how much your life sucks and devise a plan to get you the hell out of there. Walk back to your date and explain that you took so long in the bathroom because you’re pretty sure you have food poisoning and/ or the Ebola virus and have to get home right away. If he calls to schedule a rain-check, hand the phone to that same friend and have her tell him the Ebola virus ended up killing you.

5. Do Drugs

You think you can just snort cocaine in the middle of the dance floor? Pop that pill of ecstasy without anyone noticing? Drop acid in a crowd of people? Not unless you want to go to jail! But a public restroom, on the other hand, is a drug user’s paradise; a safe haven, if you will. I don’t know if it all started out with the thrill of cutting class to smoke cigarettes in the bathroom during high school (or filling water bottles with vodka at Prom), but somehow restrooms have become the ideal location for participating in illicit activities. I think because we trust bathroom stalls to grant us the privacy we require to defecate, we also trust them to keep us hidden from law enforcement and our more judgmental peers while we get high. True, it’s nowhere near as spectacular as doing drugs in the penthouse of the Bellagio Hotel in Vegas or something, but for the average Joe Blow (Joe doing blow?), a public restroom is more than sufficient.