Normal Me vs. Hungover Me: A Primer

The world is a beautiful, magical, incredible place. It’s filled with promise and love around every corner, and there’s always something new to discover. That is, of course, unless you’re hungover. Then it’s just a progressively more daunting series of obstacles between you, a bed, and a bucket of fried chicken. I find that, in general, I’m pretty capable of dealing with the ins, outs, and adorable little quirks of life. Unless I did 5 consecutive shots of whiskey before going to bed the night before, of course. My famous last words, “I DON’T HAVE SHIT TO DO IN THE MORNING YOU GUYS,” slap me in the face only when I realize that even completing the most basic human tasks are nearly impossible when seriously hungover.

Activity: Getting out of bed

Happy, normal, hydrated, well-rested me: La-la-la-la-la! Wow, what a beautiful morning! It’s a new day, and I’m ready to tackle it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, be the change you wish to see in the world, and other cliches! Let’s take a hot shower and get crackin’!

Hungover me: Oh, god, what time is it? Whaaaaaaaaat? How is it even physically possible to sleep this late? Ohhhh noooooo. What do I have to do today? Mail a letter and…get milk. I can’t, I just…I can’t. What human is capable of actually running errands on weekends? Errands are like work, only in tiny increments and really far apart from each other. Screw errands. I’m just going to mail this letter some other time. I don’t even have a stamp. Where do you even get a stamp? Is there a stamp store? I have to throw up.

Activity: Getting coffee

Happy, normal, hydrated, well-rested me: Mmmm, what am I going to have today? A Frapuccino, maybe. But let’s go light, don’t wanna go overboard. Maybe a lemon poppy seed muffin to go with? Yeah, that sounds good. Whipped cream on my drink? Okay, what the heck, only live once, right? [Japanese schoolgirl giggle] I’m so naughty today! Oh, look at that adorable child and her adorable little hot chocolate! Bet that’s warming you right down to your teeny tiny toes!

Hungover me: Starbucks is everything that’s wrong with humanity. What is this Muzak bullshit? Look at how cultured and inoffensive we are, look at this unidentifiable ethnic music. And look at the walls. How many soulless corporate yes-men did it take to decide on the perfect shade of beige? It’s so free-trade in here, look at it. Ugh, this place is like a sound stage.

Yeah, I’ll have a Venti Frappuccino…hold on, don’t you have that, like, crazy fat-ass size now? Yeah, I’ll take that. Umm, whichever one has the most chocolate in it. And extra whipped cream. Actually, just give me a cup of whipped cream on the side. And a spoon. And a bacon breakfast sandwich. Thanks.

If that little brat doesn’t shut up, I’m going to kick her in the throat. What is wrong with her mother? Why don’t you just give her cocaine and tell her she’s getting a pony? I just want to cover that woman in birth control patches until she has a seizure. I hate people.

Activity: Riding the metro

Happy, normal, hydrated, well-rested me: What a marvel of human achievement, this convenient little way to get from point A to point B. And the characters you meet, it’s always something new! It’s like a charming little tunnel of human interaction. Couples embracing, children laughing, buskers…busking! It’s just a joy to be around!

Hungover me: How is it possible, physically possible, for so much square footage with such high ceilings to so consistently, so overwhelmingly, smell of urine? Do they just have men in jumpsuits walk around with those, like, insecticide sprayers on their back hosing the place down with pee at 2-hour intervals? I just…I don’t see any other way.

Oh, great, effing terrible music. No, hippie guy, don’t get a job. No need. Why would you, when you can spend your days playing an out-of-tune guitar while you warble through an off-key version of “I’m Yours”? Don’t take that away from us, our commutes just wouldn’t be the same without your terrible, terrible music.

What is wrong with that couple? Who makes out on public transportation? Ohhhhh, you’re sooooo in love. Look at how in love you are. You just can’t even wait to get home, you have to lick each other’s uvulas in full view of every other person trapped on this moving petri dish. I hope one of you has herpes.

Activity: Watching terrible television

Happy, normal, hydrated, well-rested me: Ugh, this stuff is mind-numbing. I can feel my brain melting and running out of my ears as I watch this. I should turn it off and go donate to charity or build Habitat For Humanity houses! I know, I’ll cure cancer and do a triathlon! To the Batmobile!

Hungover me: Oh my god, a Real Housewives marathon followed by Rock of Love Bus reruns?!?! What god did I please?! This is sooooo good. These people are such messes. God, I’m so glad I’m just hungover eating Nutella straight out of the jar and not ruining my life on national television or anything. Fight, you crazy bitches, fight!

Activity: Enjoying a beautiful, sunny day

Happy, normal, hydrated, well-rested me: How could anyone ever be upset about anything when life is so unbearably beautiful? I’m truly so lucky to just be alive today. I think I’ll go to the park and have a nice little picnic by the water. I know, I’ll get some strawberries! They’re in season right now…they’re, like, nature’s candy! Oh, listen to those songbirds! What beautiful, wonderful creatures. I feel like Snow White!

Hungover me: The sun is so angry at me right now. Is it socially acceptable to wear two pairs of sunglasses stacked on top of each other? I want one of those crazy sunglasses old ladies get after cataract surgery. Or maybe a welding mask. Where do I get that? Home Depot, maybe. Ughhhh the sun won’t stop looking at me. Are there no clouds today, really? None? Why are people looking at me? They know I’m hungover and can’t enjoy the weather. Stop piercing me with your judgment, society! I’m sorry I had a good time last night.

What is wrong with these birds? How are there so many birds all of the sudden? Great, I know you guys are sooo awake and happy and just have to yell about it to each other. I know what they’re saying, too.

“Where are you, Steve?!”

“Oh, you know, just eating bread I found on the street and crapping on people’s cars. What about you?”

“Just eating worms and squawking at hungover people to punish them for the sins of humanity. The ush.”

I need a gun so I can take out these flying disease bags once and for all. Where do I get a gun? The Home Depot, maybe.