This Is How I’m Going to Remember You

1. Some days, it’ll be through tears.

I’ll flip through pictures on my phone and stumble across one of us, one I must’ve missed when I was deleting your existence. I’ll get rid of it like the rest of them, but I won’t be able to get the image out of my mind for the rest of the day. Won’t be able to stop the tears that cascade down the cheeks you used to caress and onto the neck you used to nuzzle.

2. Some days, it’ll be with self-doubt.

I won’t be able to stop myself from checking your Facebook, or at least your Instagram, and when I see you smiling with another girl, your heads pressed together to fit into frame, I’ll doubt my own beauty. I’ll be blind to her flaws and only see the nose that’s smaller than mine and the lips that are bigger than mine. I’ll hate myself for being me and hate her for meeting you.

3. Some days, it’ll be with a smile.

A commercial will pop on that we used to make fun of and I’ll burst out laughing when I remember the way you used to grab for the remote to mute it. Or I’ll pass by the diner we’d visit every week and I’ll smile as I think about the waiter who swore that we were the cutest couple ever. Those will be the moments when I actually believe there’s some truth to the whole “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” thing.

4. Some days, it’ll be with a laugh.

When I hear about the embarrassing things you’ve done at parties from friends of friends, I’ll actually find it funny that I was once stupid enough to date you. I’ll wonder what I ever saw in you and be thankful that you’re gone, so I have a chance to raise my standards.

5. Some days, it’ll be with hatred.

I won’t always give you the credit you deserve. I’ll call you a jerk. An asshole. The “C” word, even. I’ll daydream about slashing your tires and burning your photos and taking a baseball bat to your lying face. I’ll force myself to hate you as much as I used to love you.

6. Some days, it’ll be with hope.

I’ll catch a glimpse of brown hair from across campus and think it’s you, that you’ve come to tell me that you’re still madly in love with me and want to fix things. That we’re not really over. But then I’ll realize that tuft of hair belonged to a stranger, and that now you’re basically a stranger, too.

7. Some days, it’ll be with confusion.

You’ll send me a happy birthday text and I won’t know whether to respond with a simple “thank you,” to talk about how much I miss you and want you back in my life, or to refuse to respond at all. Should I work on moving on or work on getting you back? I won’t know the right answer.

8. Some days, it’ll be while intoxicated.

Months from now, I’ll go out drinking with my friends, thinking that I’m already over you. But the drunken me, the me with no boundaries or common sense, will reach for the phone to text you. Unless I actually go through with it, I’ll have no recollection of how much I yammered on about missing you when I wake up the next morning. I’ll go back to assuming I’ve already moved on.

9. Some days, it’ll be with lust.

I’ll see a sex scene on Shameless, and I’ll think about how much I miss feeling your fingers grasp my wrists to hold them over my head. Or you’ll pop into my mind while I’m under the sheets, fantasizing about the new guy I’m crushing on, and then I won’t be able to shake the thought of you. You’ll be all I want, and I’ll have you again, just in my mind, just for that night.

10. Some days, I won’t remember you at all.

I’ll be focused on my job, focused on my chores, focused on getting ready for the big party I’m going to. I’ll be so busy that you won’t have a chance to infiltrate my thoughts. Eventually, those rare days when you don’t cross my mind will become my every day. Eventually, I’ll hardly remember you at all.