“Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious.’ And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian.'”
—Conan O’Brien
3.
“Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.”
—John Oliver
4.
“Donald Trump is ‘the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him.'”
―Eric Schneiderman
5.
“Donald Trump said, ‘There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have.’ That’s right, he said: ‘In some states, I’m hated equally by blacks and Hispanics.'”
—Conan O’Brien
6.
“At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway. Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump.”
—Jimmy Fallon
7.
“In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, ‘I believe in god.’ But of course The Donald was talking about Himself.”
―Jay Leno
8.
“At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he’d like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face.”
—Seth Meyers
9.
“Analysts say Hillary Clinton’s plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as ‘dangerous and bigoted.’ She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately.”
—Conan O’Brien
10.
“Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he’s never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s the white Kanye.”
―Bill Maher
11.
“A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, ‘Trump’s a racist.’ The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted.”
—Seth Meyers
12.
“After he won yesterday’s Nevada caucus, Donald Trump said, ‘I love the poorly educated.’ Trump then said, ‘And when I’m president there’ll be more of them than ever.'”
—Conan O’Brien
13.
“Say what you will about Trump, he is not stupid. He is a smart man with a deep understanding of what stupid people want.”
―Andy Borowitz
14.
“Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.”
—Conan O’Brien
15.
“Americans have been mishearing The Donald: what he actually said is that he will make America grate again, after which many of them will migrate again.”
―Michael R. Burch
16.
“Donald Trump said that he’s not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff.”
—Jimmy Fallon
17.
“Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that’s what’s happening now. The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump.”
—Seth Meyers
18.
“Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.”
―Craig Ferguson
19.
“If Donald Trump gets elected, there’ll be hell toupée.”
―Anonymous
20.
“In an interview this morning, Donald Trump said mosques need to be ‘watched and studied’ because he believes they may spread hateful views. In related news, Donald Trump needs to be watched and studied.”
—Seth Meyers
21.
“Donald Trump’s favorite chapter of the Bible is obviously Chapter 11.”
―Anonymous
22.
“At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute ‘Sieg Heil!’ Trump immediately responded, ‘There is no place for that here – save it for my inauguration.'”
—Conan O’Brien
23.
Donald Trump just announced that if the GOP doesn’t treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.
―Michael R. Burch
24.
“Donald Trump said last night that despite calling Ted Cruz a ‘maniac,’ he has since learned that Cruz has a ‘wonderful temperament.’ And if Donald Trump thinks you have a ‘wonderful temperament,’ you’re probably a maniac.”
—Seth Meyers
25.
“Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten.'”
—Conan O’Brien
26.
“Despite Donald Trump’s tough stance on immigration, Trump Modeling Agency is being accused of hiring lower-paid foreign models. In his defense, Trump says those aren’t laborers, those are ‘future wives.'”
—Conan O’Brien
27.
“If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.”
—Jimmy Kimmel
28.
“Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents — doesn’t work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He’s already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem. … This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. A President who’s not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.”
—Lewis Black
29.
“A surgeon announced that he successfully transplanted a monkey’s head onto a different monkey’s body. The monkey immediately endorsed Donald Trump.”
—Conan O’Brien
30.
“Donald Trump has been saying he will run for President as a Republican, which is surprising since I just assumed he was running as a joke.”
—Seth Meyers
31.
“California police are on the fourth day of a manhunt for three escaped convicts. The dangerous sociopaths are believed to be headed to Iowa so they can vote for Donald Trump.”
—Conan O’Brien
32.
“Donald Trump often appears on Fox, which is ironic because a fox often appears on Donald Trump’s head.”
—Seth Meyers
33.
“Donald Trump said his war with Fox News is Christian because it’s “an eye for an eye.” When told the actual quote from the New Testament is “turn the other cheek,” Trump said, “Hey, no gay stuff.”
—Conan O’Brien
34.
“Donald Trump said recently he had a great relationship with the Blacks, though unless the Blacks are a family of White people I bet he is mistaken.”
—Seth Meyers
35.
“Donald Trump said, ‘There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have.’ That’s right, he said, ‘In some states, I’m hated equally by Blacks and Hispanics.'”
—Conan O’Brien
36.
“I like that Trump is filthy rich but nobody told his accent. His whole life is models and gold leaf and marble columns but he still sounds like a know-it-all down at the OTB.”
—Seth Meyers
37.
“A top official in Saudi Arabia said today that a Trump presidency would ‘set the world back centuries.’ The Saudi added, ‘Which is why Trump has our full support.'”
