1. SHE’S CRAY CRAY NOW

“She’s cray cray now. She was cray cray then, too, but now she has a baby and spends her days anyway trolling the bars, asking for guys to not use protection whenever possible. Unrelated, kinda, she thinks dinosaurs didn’t exist. Unrelated to her religious beliefs. Thinks it’s a scam.”

2. HE ENDED UP TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF

“He ended up trying to kill himself later and was placed into a home for troubled teens. He seems to be doing much better now. I must’ve been awful in bed.”

3. SHE CHARGES FOR SEX NOW

“She charges for sex now instead of just giving it away back then. Got it for free, so that’s good.”

4. SHE’S SUCKING DICK TO BUY HEROIN

“She’s sucking dick under the El to buy heroin. Lol she wasn’t like that in high school.”

5. SHE HAS HERPES AND LIVES IN A TRAILER

“She has herpes, shoots up heroin, and lives in a trailer park with her scumbag boyfriend. She calls me on every birthday of mine crying wishing I’d take her back. She was amazing when we first met; she was my whole world then I found out she was cheating on me. I puked on the way to her house I was so nervous to break up with her. Now I can’t hold a serious relationship and can’t trust girls very well.”

6. I’M HOPING HE STOPPED RAPING PEOPLE

“I’m hoping he stopped raping people, but I blocked his number and a lot of things about that day, so I don’t know. He might have been deployed.”

7. SHE’S NOW A LESBIAN

“She’s a lesbian now. I like to think I did such a good job, I scared her off cock for life.”

8. SHE’S NOW A MAN

“Oh how I miss dear Beth; it was the summer of ’08, her parents were out of town, I’ll never forget that ‘Holy shit, I’m having sex’ moment. I thought she was crying from joy when we finished…I mean, I know I certainly was. Well, Beth is now Ben.”

9. HE WAS INSTITUTIONALIZED FOR ATTACKING HIS PARENTS

“It happened like 5 years ago and I moved on. The last email I received from him was frantically asking if I’d slept with his dad, because he was an evil man and would do something like that to hurt him. That was the most recent; he’d been sending me progressively more and more creepy emails as the years went by. He’d also been institutionalized for attacking his parents at some point as well…so, yeah.”

10. SHE’S NOW A LESBIAN, OVERWEIGHT, AND LIVING AT HOME

“She used to be a dancer, ballet and all. She’s now a lesbian, overweight, and living at home.”

11. I GUESS THE DICK WAS SO GOOD SHE HAD TO GET MORE

“She became an individual who cheats on everyone she dates. She was a virgin at the time as well(supposedly) and I guess the dick was so good she had to get more!”

12. SHE HUNG HERSELF

“She moved to America. Few years later, hung herself. Only note she left said to tell me she loved me. It fucked me up for a very long time.”

13. SHE WORKS AS A BARISTA…OR SOMETHING

“She became a hippie, followed Phish, moved to South America to work on a farm, grew dreadlocks, moved to Austin Texas now works as a barista or something. I became an alcoholic in that time. Fun.”

14. SHE GOT INTO STRIPPING FOR A LITTLE WHILE

“She (33 years old) has I think a couple kids from a previous relationship, got into stripping for a little while because a lack of a means to find a decent job. I think she ended up quitting stripping, and she has a boyfriend now with a 20-year-old kid, and she seems to be happy for the most part. We ended up running into each other at a mutual friend’s wedding a couple years ago and caught up with each other and joked about when we used to date, and the nightmare of the night we took each other’s virginity.”

15. HE WAS RUN OVER BY A BREAD TRUCK

“He was run over by a bread truck at 4am in October 2012. They didn’t release the funeral details until after the funeral. To clarify, it was an Ace Bakery truck in Ontario. The driver didn’t know he hit him until he was on the way back and the road was closed and cops were everywhere. His family is super-Russian and none of us could remember their last names (he has his fathers last name and the rest of the family went by something else) so we couldn’t call them about the funeral. He had moved since we all last saw him. We all wanted to go and find out what happened. Funeral details were posted the day after the funeral. I suspect it was a suicide. He had a troubled childhood.”

16. HER ‘FRIENDS’ STARTED DYING IN STRANGE ACCIDENTS

“She got preggers and married to the guy after me. Her wedding photos had her 8 months along in a pretty, expensive-looking white dress. The groom was wearing cargo shorts with a short-sleeve flannel shirt that was unbuttoned so it would show off his black metal death undershirt. A few years later she started emailing me boob pics with a sob story about how he drained the bank account and took their only car to Oklahoma to go on meth binges…for the third time. I didn’t care or believe her because she was insane and a liar. She lied to me about being pregnant once, told her friends that I beat her, and she stole my Xbox and set it on fire. Also, a lot of her ‘close’ friends started dying in strange accidents just after we originally broke up. About 6 in a two-month time frame. Friends that I, nor anyone else, had ever heard of or met before. Pretty sure she made those people up and killed them with her mind.”

17. SHE PROCEEDED TO GAIN LITERALLY ONE HUNDRED POUNDS

“Guess this was 10 years ago. Man. She had a perfect body. The most amazing booty I’ve ever seen. Her eyes are still to this day. Almost Photoshopped, too good to be true, beautiful. We lost our V to each other in front of my Christmas tree :). Then she dumped me for another guy down the road. I eventually found the gym and she proceeded to gain literally 100lbs. We hung out a few times during both of our transitions. She blamed her birth control for her weight gain. I blamed the 3 donuts she’d eat for breakfast. Now she’s engaged and hitting the gym trying to lose weight. I’m happy for her. Still has the most gorgeous eyes I’ve ever seen. No exaggeration.”

18. HE WENT FROM HEAVY-METAL THRASHER TO MILITARY OFFICER

“He was a hardcore anti-establishment heavy-metal thrasher with sick abs, a shaved head, and a pacifist. Now he’s a JAG officer. Fucking weird what 10 years does to people.”

19. SHE’S HIGH AND DRUNK

“She now spends every second day high or drunk while attending a great university that her parents pay for, no questions asked. Even when we were together she wasn’t a great person. She struggled with drugs and mental health but never sent for help. Ultimately she broke up with me out of the blue the week before my high school prom, so of course I went alone while she scooped up some poor chump for the night. I had attended the same university for a while but had to leave due to money issues. Makes me a little bitter that she’s there on daddy’s dime just to party and nothing else.”

20. I DODGED A GODDAMN MISSILE

“We ended up dated for roughly 4 years and right before I got all serious about marrying her, found out she was cheating (thanks to some amazing friends looking out for me). She was extremely manipulative and denied everything, and after the very nasty breakup she deleted every social media account she had and all of our mutual friends haven’t heard from her since. I didn’t dodge a bullet, I dodged a goddamn missile.”

21. SHE GOT INTO HARD DRUGS

“She had a kid with one of my ‘friends.’ Not really a friend but a guy who was friends with my friends. Was. They both got into harder types of drugs. They always go to raves and parties, then complain about how hard life is and how they don’t have money. They lost custody of the kid and her mom now takes care of the child.”

22. SHE CHEATED ON ME WITH AN OLYMPIAN

“She cheated on me with an Olympian, let’s call him Jimmy Rustles. I threatened the Olympian via AIM messages—“ Fight me bro”, “I’m gonna beat your ass, you no good rotten nincompoop,” “You done goofed” and even though these were empty threats, it still dissuaded him from dating her. ‘If you were in love with this crazy guy, you are crazy by association. Thanks, but no thanks’. I moved on, but evidently she was furious that I ‘ruined her blossoming romance with the handsome Jimmy Rustles.’ Since Jimmy was not bogged down into a relationship, he was able to maintain his composure and focus all of his energy into his Olympic training. Jimmy Rustles went on to win two gold medals later that year. After having a mini breakdown over losing her opportunity with Jimmy Rustles, she became fascinated with the human mind and began studying psychology. She is now a psychiatrist and a married mother of two children. Moral of this story? By making emotionally charged threats to a stranger on AIM, I was able to win two gold medals for the United States and open a psychiatric practice in a prominent medical facility. YOU’RE WELCOME AMERICA.”

23. WE’VE BEEN MARRIED FOR FIFTEEN YEARS

“We’ve been married for 15 years. She falls asleep on the couch most nights and I have to help her to bed. We have an incredible son, a tiny house and a huge garden. Our music tastes differ dramatically, and that can sometimes make road trips a little rough, but otherwise I think she’s happy to have taken my cherry. I’m sure glad she did.”

24. SHE DOES ONLINE CAM SHOWS TO SUPPORT HER METH HABIT

“She got married to a guy she had dated for years. They got into meth together and started doing cam shows online to support the meth habit. They had a bad fight and he wrecked her car into the house, so she finally filed for divorce. She’s apparently clean now working as a nurse in the metro area I live in.”

25. SHE DIED OF A HEROIN OVERDOSE

“I was fairly adventurous with my drug use when we were dating. She absolutely despised it. Eventually we decided to go our separate ways. After we broke up, I fooled around with some of her friends. We drifted apart and went on with our lives. I cooled down with my drug use and ended up just being a perennial pothead. She started to do the same at first, despite being so against it when we were together. She called me about 6 years later, begging for a lift to her boyfriend’s house from a sketchy situation in the next town over. She was dressed like one of those girls who spends most of her life at festivals. We talked and flirted as always, kind of like when we were in high school. I dropped her off and that was the last time we talked. She died of a heroin overdose a year later. I was cleaning my desk the other night and found a spot where she had carved her name. As much as I don’t like to show my emotions, I couldn’t help but feel depressed seeing it, and wondering what went wrong. I told my friends and family that I was fine after the funeral. Put on a good face, and never really went into detail. This is the most I’ve ever opened up about it. I guess it’s easier to open up anonymously than it is to those who know you best. Its cathartic in a way.”

26. WE BROKE UP AND I FILED AN ORDER OF PROTECTION

“She got real crazy. Like REAL crazy. Like pretending-to-have-seizures crazy. We broke up and I filed an order of protection. She got me beat up by her friends. I never spoke to her again. See her at Walmart sometimes. Guess she’s got a kid and a new guy now. Good for her. Moral: Never fuck Michelle.”

27. NOW SHE’S A COCAINE ADDICT

“When I first met her at 13 years old, she was a sweet, intelligent, loving girl through and through, but also extremely broken and flawed due to a tumultuous upbringing. She became my best friend after a while, and it eventually turned into dating. We had a short and fiery relationship. Now she’s a cocaine addict who works odd jobs and dates an ex-friend who is a fellow drug addict. It really sucks how some people grow up in situations so fucked-up that it ruins them.”

28. SHE’S LIVING THE REDNECK DREAM

“She’s married to some redneck in the most redneck town in redneck FL. She’s now a redneck who enjoys to do redneck activities including redneck hunting, redneck fishing, and redneck drinking. Oh, and she still enjoys anal.”

29. HE GOT FAT…BUT SO DID I

“He got fat. Wait. So did I. Shit.”

30. I MARRIED HER 21 YEARS AGO

“Married her 21 years ago. She’s sitting next to me telling me I’m too old for this Reddit shit.”