The Pros And Cons Of Air Conditioning

Pro. Air Conditioning means never sleeping with the window open. The hum of recycled air drowns out the sound of (a) monster trucks that appear to have found inspiration in the sound effects of Jurassic Park (b) phantom noises that are akin to that of the menacing furnace in Home Alone (c) drunken passersby who, for reasons unknown, congregate outside of your open bedroom window to have intense, life altering conversations, why would they stand anywhere else, the plot of land outside of your house is perfect for drunken rambling, crying, and screaming on the phone with friends who have apparently gone deaf and require each sloppily strung together sentence to be repeated ad nauseaum.

Con. In extreme cases, excessive reliance on Air Conditioning turns you into a pussy. Any activity that requires your participation that does not include Air Conditioning is one that you will bitch and complain about, because you’ve ‘conditioned’ yourself to believe that it should be 60 degrees at all times, even when it’s the middle of summer and it is an absolutely unreasonable expectation to be had. ‘There’s little to no AC here? …Ugh…’ Get over it, Princess and the Pea bitch ass.

Pro. Air Conditioning makes you a more viable candidate for sex. This could also be a con, if you’re the type of person who prides themselves on not being used for their material possessions, but you and I both know it’s secretly enthralling to have a leg up on your Ceiling Fan-owning counterparts. During the summer, Air Conditioning replaces Washer/Dryer as sexiest amenity.

Con. Your Con Ed bill is bound to increase during the summer months in order to accommodate for (a) the insane amount of energy that Air Conditioning requires and (b) the insane amount of time you justify keeping your box of glorified air on and blasting. Still, you’ll foot the cost. Better than being mildly uncomfortable.

Pro. Getting dressed without Air Conditioning is a harrowing experience that often ends in the brave, overheated soul attempting it to declare, “I just… can’t. I can’t get dressed it’s too fucking hot. I give up. I… no. I’m not doing this.” The vanquished party takes a shower for the second time that day and collapses in a pile of defeat, never to be heard from or seen again until the next time it’s 75 degrees or below.

Con. While many people are willing to sacrifice our dear planet in order to add the luxury of Air Conditioning to their lives, there are some who make the eco-conscious decision to abstain, opting instead to use fans and other methods of ‘keeping cool’. Obviously, the person with Air Conditioning is aware that any large consumption of energy has a negative impact on the environment and they choose to use it anyway, which is their prerogative, but oh how they will be judged by the children of Mother Earth. AC owners are unlikely to care about this judgment, unless their decision negatively impacts their sex lives with a flower child.