This Is What My Perfect Man Looks Like

As I get older (every day closer to spinsterhood, I’ve even started breeding cats), and the likelihood of finding the perfect man seems increasingly like some obscure, intangible dream, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Desperate times call for desperate measures, gentle reader. And so I soaked a rag in chloroform, snatched some manly-man bodies and retreated to the lab to chop them up and stitch them back together. So here you have it, my vision of masculine perfection:

• James Franco’s face
• Paul Walker’s body
• Jason Segel’s legs, dick and height
• The voice of Carl Sagan
• The combined brain and wit of Kurt Vonnegut, Demetri Martin, Woody Allen and Aziz Ansari
• The action hero bravado of John McClane
• The musical talent of Bruce Springsteen
• The culinary expertise of Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall
• Ja Rule’s punctuality
• Kelly Slater’s surf skills
• A Tardis like Dr Who
• A hat like Indiana Jones