The 5 Best Songs To Burn Brain Cells To
Sometimes you want to appreciate the richness and complexity of classical music, sometimes you want to get high and work yourself into tears while writing a thesis on OK Computer, and sometimes you just want to hear some loud noises with people talking over them.
1. The Dream ft Lil Jon – Let Me See the Booty
The Dream is a master producer/songwriter–he wrote “Umbrella”, for God’s sake. And nothing makes me respect him more than the fact that he saves all of the Lowest-Common-Denominator boom-boom-tick songs for himself. Shawty Is the Shit is up there in terms of the kind of the song you listen to on the way to the club while swigging vodka out of a water bottle, but nothing cuts the shit and makes your ears buzz quite like Let Me See the Booty. From the opening of “ehhhhhhhhh,” the tonal representation of his “let’s just drop this beat and snap, pass me the blunt” sentiment, to the hilariously direct lyrics, this song is gold.
Yeah, you got a pretty face, but
Let me see the booty.
Yeah, you got a small waist, but
Let me see the booty.
The Dream is a man who knows where his priorities lie, and how to best utilize that absurd diamond-covered gremlin of a man, Lil Jon. Everything about this song is perfect for drinking Alizee and objectifying people. It’s been a long week, time to relax with this.
Miley Cyrus – Party In the USA
We have a distinct tendency to throw the baby out with the bathwater, musically speaking. There are many reasons not to like Miley Cyrus, and people pigeonhole her immediately in that elite, if detested, group of Disney Tweens Who Grew Up Too Fast. And while it’s true that she has an affinity for doing incestuous, “artsy” photoshoots with her father and dancing on a stipper pole in glittery underwear in front of thousands of little girls who look up to her, she does occasionally produce an awesome song. And Party In the USA, like a ball of cotton candy dipped in sprinkles that laughs at all your jokes, embodies her “tee hee” persona better than any other.
So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflies fly away
Noddin’ my head like yeah
Movin’ my hips like yeah”
This girl just wants to have a good time, and doesn’t get all of the crazy, coke-doing, stiletto-wearing bougie club-dwellers. Who can’t relate to that?! Is there a better song to just jump around to and feel good? This song is like a brand-new Lisa Frank notebook filled with all your friend’s MASH results. Just try to listen to this song and not bounce around in happiness. If you need to, you can do it alone in your room where no one can see you. You can still pretend to only like Animal Collective when you’re out with your soulless friends.
3. Lil’ Scrappy – Money In the Bank
Some songs make you think, some songs make you cry, and some songs make you make the duck face and bob your head back and forth as you throw up vague gang signs. This song is the latter. Lil’ Scrappy, who clearly showed up late to the distribution of the “Lil’” rap names, came onto the scene and made his statement with what may be the most basic, repetitive beat in the history of music. That inimitable “beep-beep-boop” that should only ever be played in a tinted Escalade at full volume is the musical backbone this absurd farce of a song.
Hold on baby, please
Go get on your knees
If you don’t do it for me
Do it for the cheese
Hey, at least he’s giving her options. Willingly felate me or sell your body–it’s more than fair. And to be honest, who wouldn’t look at that mouth full of sparkling gems and hands full of fresh, crisp ones and not fall head over heels in love? This song is for the mindless club rat in us all–fuck thinking, I just wanna sit in the corner and sip this drink someone else paid for.
4. Eric Prydz – Call On Me
You have to hand it to any song whose entire lyrics consist of 11 words, repeated over and over to a catchy beat. And, like his kindred spirit Benny Benassi, Mr. Prydz knew to cut the shit and fill the video with beautiful, sweaty, ass-less leotard-clad women thrusting in what may be the world’s least effective group workout. He’s a man who knows where his, and our, priorities lie–and he made the kind of song that requires an operating .0003 percent of your brain to truly appreciate.
Call on me
Call on me
Call on me
Call on me
Just stand back and admire it. Or, better yet, admire the song from which it was sampled–Steve Winwood’s 1982 jam, Valerie. Someone saw in that the two lines that would make an already very effective hook the kind of dance song that lives in your head long after you wish you would never hear it again. Let Call On Me just wash over you, appreciate the mindlessness in all its glory.
5. Like A G6, Far East Movement
In what may be the crown jewel of all inane dance/pop songs, Like A G6appears to have been created in a murky Los Angeles basement in some kind of deal with the Club Jam Devil. No song so fully captures and exploits the ambiance, lyrics, and throbbing beat of a club banger–I truly doubt humans created it. I suppose math and Starcraft can scoot down the list of stereotypical things Asians are good at, because apparently making infectious dance music is shooting right to the top.
When we drink,
We do it right,
Gettin’ slizzered
Is slizzered a word? Does it matter? Does any of this song have anything relevant, interesting, or new to say? Absolutely not! This song is the musical equivalent of the crying girl throwing up while her friend holds her hair back. It’s for those of us who have decided, hours ago, that we’re just trying to have fun and if someone gets in our way, we’ll throw a drink in their face and rip their ghetto-ass hoop earrings right through their earlobe. Jagerbombs! 
