1. We got a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of her vagina

“We had one very demented lady who used to hoard things in her clothing, and hair, and was constantly mumbling nonsense. Well, it was shower time and I noticed something coming from in between her legs. I got out some napkins and a pen cap. When I noticed there was more, I had to get my charge nurse. Now, keep in mind this is a very large older woman who was screaming and yelling the entire time. It took 3 of us to get the rest out (2 to hold her down, 1 to dig) We got a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of her vagina. Who knows how long it had been there, but it didn’t smell pretty.”

2. Her groin area was covered in layers upon layers of maggots

“Three days into orientation to my new role, a woman was admitted into the unit after a drug overdose. She was combative, confused, and angry. She was screaming obscenities and calling people crude names. Her hands were restrained, but her legs were swinging and kicking at anyone in her range. Her stained and ripped clothing and dirty skin told us she was homeless, or at least living like a homeless person. But the stench that filled the room was something so rotten I didn’t recognize it as an odor I had smelled before. We quickly identified the source. Her groin area was covered in layers upon layers of maggots. It was unclear whether it was infection or disease or just filth attracting and feeding those nasty larvae.”

3. her son was caught going down on her

“Family interaction can be grosser than anything. We had this frequent flyer…she was one of those that needed to sit on a vent for a month on every admission. Anyways, her son was one fruitcake. He was in his mid-thirties and carried a stuffed Barney doll everywhere, even slept with it in the waiting area. He was all about taking care of his mother, though…and his mother would angrily write out notes to us saying she wanted her son to take care of her. I would let him help with some things…didn’t think much about it. Well, eventually she wanted him to stay all night…we would explain that he needs his rest, too…but somehow he would slip in. Now for the grossness…this dude was caught masturbating while his mom watched. Later on, on another admit, her son was caught going down on her. Later found out this has been a long-going incest deal….this woman even divorced her husband to be with her son. eeeeeewwwwwwwwwww.”

4. he had taped an Italian sausage to his thigh

“I was helping out in ER on a busy Saturday night about 20 years ago. A guy was brought in from a local disco club via the squad. Seems he had danced around so much that he passed out. When he came in, he had on those skintight PVC pants and the ‘bulge’ was huge. The pants were so tight that they had to be cut off him (he was still unconscious at this point). After cutting the pants off, we discovered what the huge bulge really was—he had taped an Italian sausage to his thigh!!!! When he woke up and discovered where he was, well, needless to say his face was very red!!! He did not even ask for his sausage back when he was dismissed!!!”

5. He ejaculated right in her face and mouth

“A nice little old man in a wheelchair waved at one of my coworkers (a pretty little 18 year-old, fresh out of high school sugar and spice type of girl). He said, ‘honey come over here please’ as she bent down to talk to him. He moved the blanket covering his legs and SPLAT! He ejaculated right in her face and mouth. I never saw her again and thus my nursing career began….”

6. the good gentlemen hacked up a large loogie and then spit at me

“Once I had an HIV-pos street druggie to care for of in an ER holding room. He was violent and was in four-point restraints. He was cursing us, spitting, and just plain not very pleasant. So I gowned, double gloved and face mask and eye shielded myself all up and went in…as I entered the room, the good gentlemen hacked up a large loogie and then spit at me in an arc…which reached just over my eye visors and landed smack dead center on my unprotected head! One of the most amazing shots I have ever seen! Needless to say, it was just a little gross cleaning the good gentleman’s wad of phlegm out of my hair! Ugh!”

7. both ears severely packed with thick, green earwax

“I’ve worked in an ER and I can handle just about any body fluid (and have) except earwax. Earwax grosses me out. Was working in an ER in Puerto Rico while in the Navy and we had homeless dependent uncle or some relation come into ER c/o trouble hearing. On exam, doc found both ears severely packed with thick, green earwax. YUMMMMY! Well, yours truly gets to irrigate his ears, not the thrill of my life. I irrigated so much earwax out of that man’s ears, it was coming out in big, green nuggets. When I showed the patient the emesis basin of what I had cleaned out of his scuzzy ears, he proceeds to get a big smile on his face, picked up one of the greasy nuggets and eats it!!! YUCK! I just about puked on myself with that one. To this day, can barely clean my own ears!”

8. DRAINING MR. JOHNSON’S JOHNSON

“Add together a brass cock ring, alcohol, meth and Viagra along with an overactive wish list and fantasy life and at some point you get an ER patient, let’s call him Mr. Johnson, who just after he took a picture of his ever expanding magic wand, realizes his member continues to grow and now is a little painful and turning purple. Let’s say when he got to the point where he would look more at home in the vegetable bin at the supermarket along with the other eggplants, he finally made his way to the ER. Brass is really hard and a first we thought we would call one of the guys in services and get a big bolt cutter. That’s when Mr. Johnson finally gave in and let the urologist on call break out the 14-gauge needle to drain Mr. Johnson’s Johnson. Hurts to think about it.”

9. Til this day I hear this crying infant in my head

“When she delivered this tiny baby (it looked full term to me) she was actually alive and crying. The doctor said to me, ‘Put it in the room and close the door. Do not enter til the morning shift.’ I immediately took the crying baby and wrapped it up and laid it in a room. I then immediately started calling hospitals around (against the doctor’s wishes) to find someone that would take it. None around would take it cause they said it was not viable. I spent many hours trying. I just wanted to leave this place, but I knew I could not walk out and leave other patients without a charge nurse. Til this day I hear this crying infant in my head.”

10. Brown flaky water with nuggets

“I was training this CNA to give a soapsuds enema on an elderly man. I showed her how to fill the bucket, mix the castile soap in, etc. I also told her the techniques for the actual enema process. She was fine with it. She began giving it like a pro. I told her how to slow it down for cramping and such, and I told her to get the bedpan ready….She was standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE PATIENT’S butt, which I told her wasn’t a good place. She didn’t listen. DIDN’T LISTEN. The old guy coughed and out it shot. Brown flaky water with nuggets, all down her blue scrubs. My god. Impaction city. That poop had that OLD POOP smell and I just cringed. The poor CNA gagged and ran.”

11. vomit went all in her mouth

“This occurred in a nursing home I was working in. There was a man who was very ill with gastro and my work partner and I were putting him into his PJs and night pad and all that so he could sleep for the night. He had dementia and was very febrile and not responding. We were doing this whilst he was already lying on his bed and just rolling him from side to side. We finally got him changed and I heard this weird sound coming from this man and I wisely took a step back. It all happened so quickly that I couldn’t warn my partner in time. She lent into him and was saying something, and this man projectile vomited right on her face. Lucky she was wearing her glasses but unluckily she was talking and vomit went all in her mouth. She started screaming and spitting out the vomit onto the floor and ran off to the bathroom, screaming.”

12. “THE DIGGER”

“Last week I had ‘The Digger.’ The Digger was an elderly woman who was complaining of constipation and insisted on sitting on the bedside commode ALL morning. Since she wasn’t going, I tried to get her back in bed. ‘But what if I poop the bed?’ she asks. I explain the whole call bell system and that I would personally clean it up IF she goes. Finally, she asks for her face cream. I tell her why don’t we wait until you’ve had your bath. She tells me she wants to use it to lube her asshole. Now I have already notified the RN, the other student who was evaluating me that day, and my instructor and we were all waiting for an MD order for a laxative. I decided to give her some lubricating jelly to use on her own while we waited, and I brought her a steaming hot cup of prune juice, then left the room. I kept going back and checking on her and after another 45 minutes I told her it was enough and to get back into bed. I got there at 7am, and it’s now 11am. She pulls her hand out from behind her back and it’s covered up to her wrist in blood and crap. She had her whole hand in her butt. So I get her back to bed and ask her what she does at home when she is constipated. She says, ‘I dig.’ And I say, ‘Well, no more digging for you.’”

13. I honestly had no clue that penises could bleed so much

“I work in emergency and one night as I was checking on the patients, I noticed this man trying to take a dump in the garbage in his room. He was in for acute intoxication. Anyway, I turn on the light and notice that the side rails are still up and that his catheter is wrapped around the side rail and stretched nearly three feet from his penis to the railing. I try to get him to stop and explain what is going on. While I am trying to move him, he is crapping all over the floor and as we get closer to the bed the tension on the catheter is released and he starts bleeding out of his penis. He says he doesn’t feel any pain and I get help and supplies. His penis is dripping blood and I remove the catheter and clots just start pouring out. He lost about 2 cups of blood. I get an order to recath and use lots of Lidocaine, but the guy is now in so much pain that it doesn’t help and it takes a few of us to clean the blood and crap up and hold him down for the cath reinsertion. I cath him with a 22 and start bladder irrigation, and after some Ativan and pain meds he goes back to sleep. I honestly had no clue that penises could bleed so much.”