You Finally Convinced Your Girl to Have a Threesome, Now What?

So you finally figured out how to psychologically brainwash your girlfriend into being OK with a threesome. Bravo! And yes I call it brain washing just as we have to brain wash anyone to do anything in this world, whether its sell more organic gluten free widgets, marry us or lick another girl’s vagina. Anywhoo, a great article from Mèlanie Berliet explains in 10 very manipulative and necessary steps just how to do that. Most of these steps consist of subtly talking about sexual experimentation and carefully choosing the right threesome movies to watch like “Vicky Christina Barcelona”, or my personal favorite “Spring Breakers” with James Franco (which is actually him and 3 women but who’s counting?) Spraaang Breaakkkkk bitchesss! The article purports the final step is to go to a strip club and excite your better half with a lap dance. Love it, great step, I’m still following..and at the end of this beautifully crafted psychological offensive she’s miraculously cool with fucking another chick while you pretend you know what to do with them. Sweeeet! But wait, now what?

“Yeah I want to try it with a brunette, shorter than me too but someone that is cute but not cuter than me, maybe even slightly chunky but in a Kate Upton way not like an actual chunky girl way, and funny but not TOO funny, you know?” I was at a party and my friend’s girlfriend confessed to me she was interested in organizing a threesome with her and her boyfriend. I put my drink down and said, “Thats so fucking cute, but where the hell are that you going to find this remarkably specific accomplice dying to fuck you and your boyfriend?”  

The real challenge begins when you both want to act out your threesome fantasy because the chances of finding a hot willing third party female wanting to jump into bed with you and your hopefully halfway decent looking girlfriend/wife are typically quite slim to none without some additional considerations.

Guys know, its rather difficult to find a specific type of girl they really want. This is not to say successful, good looking men can’t just turn on the Tinder machine and have a line of hot dates, because they absolutely can and do—but even THOSE guys won’t put too many filters on the sex on demand search engine. If there was a filter option on Tinder for “threesome friendly” the only girls that would pop up would be hookers, cam girls or other wishful couples which is a very different kind of sexual experience from what we are talking about here. Also, if you’re rich, famous or both then you don’t need any steps at all and can go fuck yourself. But how are we commoners just trying to stay afloat in the giant chasm of income inequality supposed to find these threesome unicorns?

The answer is WITH A LOT OF DIFFICULTY. However, I’ve been down this unpredictable road before and while there is still a lot of mystery and lack of playbook to go on, a few lessons have repeated themselves through experience.

But first, one thing we all must realize for the sake of managing expectations. At any point in time no matter how far into closing the menage deal you are, it could all fall apart at anytime for innumerable and irrational reasons. She has a boyfriend, she’ll watch but not touch, she’s suddenly not into girls, she has a penis (of course depending on who you are that might not be a deal breaker). It could be ANYTHING.

Women are very different than men in that they can be completely aroused and still DECIDE NOT TO HAVE SEX even WHILE they are having sex (see Louis C.K.’s hilarious stand up routine about this). Men of course can’t fathom this concept but its a power girls have, they’re like serial boner killers striking randomly without motive or remorse. The point I’m trying to make here is this becomes even more likely in a potential threesome situation.

With that said, here are 6 principles to help you stay the course:

1. Your significant other HAS TO BE PROACTIVE.

Its one thing for your girl to agree to be a part of your fantasy but its another thing for her to actually do what it takes to pull it off. If she’s not making a genuine effort the other girl will immediately pick up on it and likely back out soon after. Nobody, guy or girl likes to have sex with someone that doesn’t seem all that into it. Well actually I will correct. Most guys will still have sex with a girl if they are willing, but not terribly, into the dude because they are dirty rotten scoundrels unable to override their lizard brains. Women however typically need to be turned on, to be seduced, they need to feel sexy. And chances are your pouty mouthed girlfriend/wife will not make them feel sexy. Tell her you don’t want to attempt a threesome that feels unnatural and her help in creating a sexual situation to make it comfortable for everyone is absolutely necessary.

We stumbled into my hotel room stinking of cheap convention hall grade vodka sodas. My girlfriend was asleep in the bed and when the girl I had just met at the trade show noticed her she just sighed a deep breath of alcohol. I diverted her into the bathroom which was abnormally small.. Zip zip the pants came off, she presented her naked ass and I proceeded to try and have sex with her with the most challenging extreme cross fit maneuver I’ve ever done. The pain was immediate and the sex impossible. I threw the door open and flung her on the bed. “What about her?” she whispered. “It’s fine,” I said. Seemingly satisfied with this answer we started having sex in the ‘trying to be quiet but obviously not quiet at all’ kind of way that can happen in hotel rooms. My girlfriend started to wake up. The other girl suddenly threw me off her and began mumbling reasons it was all my fault.

“Sorry I didn’t know anyone was here, I’m not even into him, he made me do it, I didn’t know you two were..” And then my girlfriend..god bless her soul..leaned over and kissed her. Once she realized it was OK, then she was suddenly OK with it too and not only okay with it but spent the next two hours absolutely loving it.  

2. Your girlfriend should make the proposition.

This is one very simple and effective way for your girl to be proactive. Convince her to make the move. This doesn’t mean you can’t do it yourself or that it won’t happen unless your girl does it. It just means the ‘third’ is more likely to feel comfortable if the verbal proposition and/or sexual move comes from your girl. There are two very important reasons for this. One is it shows that your girl is ACTUALLY into it and not just strong armed by you, the lizard brain boyfriend or husband. And two, it establishes permission by your girlfriend to allow the ‘third’ to have sex with you. For example if you’ve been flirting with the potential ‘third’ and building a lot of sexual tension, the ‘third’ will start to feel as if she’s doing something wrong even if she likes it at the same time. She needs permission from your girl. There isn’t a magical script to use in a threesome proposition. Every situation is different. From my experience, a kiss from your girl to the other is a good ice breaker.

3. Beware of inner circle friends as potential ‘thirds’.

This is the most obvious source of potential thirds, however it can be disastrous. This person is likely someone you see regularly, someone that could easily become a source of jealousy in your relationship. All it takes is for you to pay too much attention to your mutual friend in conversation, or in bed, and suddenly you’re in trouble with two relationships. On the other hand, depending on the mutual friend it may turn out to be a wonderful experience. So go with your gut, not your penis.

4. Make the experience about the ’third’.

Its easy for a ’third’ to feel like the outsider considering you and your girl are actually together already. You share a life with your significance other, something very intimate and special. Potential thirds can easily feel left out if you aren’t paying her enough attention. Its important to make her feel included both physically AND mentally. Steer the conversation in her direction, ask a lot of questions about her, compliment her on things you genuinely feel deserve the compliment. Don’t be fake but shower her with as much genuine interest as you can without being creepy.

5. Talk about the sexual boundaries with your girl before the threesome happens.

Its important to know what your girl is cool with beforehand. Are you allowed to finish with the ‘third’? Is your girlfriend OK with going down on the girl? The girl going down on her? On you?! Setting these rules beforehand will ensure clear expectations and an enjoyable experience for you both.

I lost control. She was screaming louder and louder, I could tell she was nearing climax, for the second time already and so I kept going, until she came again but the only problem was that I came too. The newness of her pushed me over the edge despite my best efforts to concentrate on baseball and Rosie O’Donnell. My girlfriend laid naked next to us waiting patiently. I had nothing left in the tank and flopped down onto the bed admitting defeat in the process. The three of us hung out for a while, smoked a joint, and hydrated before walking our new friend to her car. As soon as she left, I got an earful and spent the next few nights on the couch.  

6. It can happen at any time if you are looking for it.

Other than paying for a ‘third’ which doesn’t require any steps at all, there is no one easy place to find them. However, the opportunity can happen anywhere at any time if you are thinking about it enough. Maybe you meet someone at a party, a bar, a restaurant, a music festival. The point is to be able to recognize a situation/person that might have potential. Also if its not going to happen the first time you meet, that is OK and probably the case most of the time. Invite her out for drinks, the three of you. Keep it casual and friendly while you get to know each other a little. If the vibes are right then go for it.

While this all seems a bit daunting, I really cannot encourage couples enough to walk bravely into the sexual unknown whether its about threesome fantasies or any other sexual desires you may be harboring in a dark place. At this point in social evolution, replete with limitless on-demand sex technologies, couples that can openly and honestly discuss their fantasies without fear of judgement or abandonment, without having to lie to themselves, or each other, will experience an amazing feeling of liberation from traditional relationship paradigms.

Kudos to those willing to admit that while we can’t necessarily change our DNA, we CAN adjust the rules of conditioned culture to our liking. Its not easy but WE DO have a choice and that choice should always be to live TRUE TO OURSELVES(without lying and cheating). More than ever, people are coming to terms with the understanding there is more than one relationship story to live by and no two relationships are alike. Of course, all of this is nothing new but the important difference now is people increasingly feel they can talk about it more openly, not just behind closed doors; and that is certainly something to celebrate…with two women if it tickles your fancy.