1. I LOST TWENTY POUNDS…AND THEN FOUND THEM AGAIN

“After having to squeeze myself into my pants using a crowbar, I decided last New Year’s that I needed to lose 20 pounds. I went on a strict vegan diet and was able to do it. But then in the middle of February, stuck inside my dingy little apartment with three cats and a vicious case of loneliness-fueled cabin fever, I went on a chocolate rampage and regained every little droplet of fat by the first day of Spring. So I guess the resolution succeeded—temporarily. Does that count?”

—Janis, 23

2. FROM WEED…TO XANAX…BACK TO WEED

“Two years ago for New Year’s, I promised to give up weed. I did. But I got hooked on Xanax instead. So then the next year I promised to give up Xanax, which is very addictive. And I did. How? By starting to smoke weed again.”

—Ted, 26

3. I GAVE UP ON BOYS UNTIL I FOUND THE BOY OF MY DREAMS

“Last year, after one too many heartaches, I swore that I was done with boys and love and romance. Done, finished, period, end of discussion, no turning back, do not pass GO, kaput. And then I met the love of my life. New Year’s resolutions are stupid.”

—Lola, 23

4. DRINKING AND WOMEN—WHO NEEDS THEM? (HINT: I DO)

“I promised to give up drinking…until I got dumped on Valentine’s Day. Then I promised to give up women. Then I found it’s way beyond difficult for me to give up either one. I’m finding it hard to trust myself, because I keep breaking my own promises to myself.”

—Matt, 27

5. NO MORE FACEBOOK! (OK, A LITTLE MORE FACEBOOK…)

“No Facebook. None. I hated Facebook. It was like cancer. I gave up Facebook last year for New Year’s. Then the moment I found out my ex had a new girlfriend I was back on Facebook, stalking their pictures. I mean, that’s what’s known in a court of law as a ‘mitigating circumstance,’ right?”

—Erin, 21

6. TRYING TO THINK POSITIVELY IN A NEGATIVE WORLD

“I resolved to think positively. Then I realized how unrealistic it is to think positively in this world.”

—Jon, 24

7. I MADE MYSELF A PROMISE

“I promised to make an inventory of all my debts, public and private. To make a ledger of exactly what I owed everyone and to forge a plan to either bargain down on what I owed them or to pay it in full. Yes, indeed, that’s what I promised to do.”

—Bobby, 28

8. THERE ARE NO ‘BETTER JOBS’ ANYMORE

“I vowed to get a better job, because I hate my job so much that NASA probes are able to detect my inner agony from outer space. And then I realized that we’re in a post-jobs economy. So every day as I’m headed to work, I swallow my pride and pretend I’m lucky to have a job, even one that I hate.”

—Rudy, 31

9. I DECIDED TO GIVE UP ALL MY FRIENDS

“A few years back for some stupid reason I decided that all my problems were due to the fact that I ran around with the wrong group of friends. So I slowly ghosted myself out of all of their lives. That lasted for about a month, when I realized I didn’t have any friends anymore.”

—Marc, 27

10. I RESOLVED TO HAVE A BABY

“On New Year’s Day 2010 I decided that the main thing missing from my life was a child. So I resolved that by hook or by crook, by God I was going to get knocked-up that year. I had random, wanton, unprotected sex, especially when I knew I was ovulating. But by the end of the year I still didn’t have a baby—only genital warts.”

—Sky, 23

11. I WENT ON A ONE-DAY DIET

“I promised to go on a diet. And I did. For one day. I don’t think I ate more than 1,200 calories that entire day. I was very good at dieting—for that one lonesome solitary day.”

—Sara, 21

12. I IGNORE MY OWN RESOLUTIONS

“I ignore my own resolutions. I just feel kind of good that I make the gesture, you know? Sure, I’ll lose weight and give up smoking and pay off my debts and stop getting so easily upset about everything…next year. That’s my system, and I’m sticking to it. It’s served me well so far.”

—Ronnie, 28