1. GIRLS WHO CRY TOO MUCH

“I refuse to date a woman who cries ALL the time. I’m sure you know the type. Does her mom have a slight head cold? She’s crying. Does she need the oil in her car changed? Crying again. Did something really good happen to her? Still crying. No. You can cry when one of your relatives die or you stub your toe, but otherwise I refuse to be someone’s human Kleenex dispenser.”

—Geoff, 24

2. GIRLS WHO TALK AND TALK AND TALK AND TALK AND TALK

“I hate a girl who talks and talks and talks and talks and talks. And ONLY about herself. What’s that you say? You went to the mall today? Then you saw this bitch there that you hate, so you did some shit-talking on her Facebook wall? And you’re thinking about getting your nails done? Um, that’s all really great, but I have to go.”

—Alex, 22

3. GUYS WHO STINK OR HAVE YELLOW TEETH

“Hygiene problems. Guys who stink or have yellow teeth. But especially dirty fingernails! I don’t want your filthy claws anywhere on my skin, and they definitely ain’t going up my cooch!”

—Maria, 21

4. GUYS WITH SOUTHERN ACCENTS

“Southern accents. I don’t care how cute a guy is—if he opens his mouth and starts speaking with a twang, my vadge dries up so fast you can hear it creaking. The deal is off, done, over, and canceled. I will never give it up for a guy who sounds like he’s a roadie for the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.”

—Melinda, 23

5. DRUNK GIRLS

“Drunk girls are gross. If they’re always so drunk that they have a red clown nose and can’t remember where they are or why there’s vomit all over their shirt, and if they’re the kind of girl who takes three shots and is suddenly sticking their tongues down the throat of everyone at the bar, male and female, my horoscope would tell me that’s not the girl for me.”

—Erik, 22

6. MEN WHO WEAR SANDALS

“Sandals on a man, aka ‘Mandals.’ If a man has ever worn sandals in his life, he doesn’t have a chance of ever seeing, tasting, touching, or penetrating my vagina. That may seem harsh, but we all have our limits. I will run as fast as I can from a man wearing sandals and he’ll never be able to catch me—because he’s wearing sandals! Ha! Feet are gross, but especially hairy, gnarled, knuckly, fungus-covered boy feet. Keep them shits covered. It should be a crime for men to wear sandals—a felony, even. Wearing ‘shoes’ that expose your toes is like wearing pants that expose your asshole.”

—Amie, 28

7. WHINY GUYS

“Guys who whine. I don’t care how bad your life is—have some dignity about it, dude! There’s nothing less sexy than overemotional, hypersensitive men. If your mom didn’t properly wean you, it’s not for me to coddle and emotionally let you suckle the life out of me. Man the hell up. Nothing more unattractive than a man who won’t shut up about his feelings.”

—Melinda, 23

8. WOMEN WITH RASPY VOICES

“If a woman has a raspy voice. I hate that. I don’t want a girl who sounds like she’s just been eating cigarette butts from dirty ashtrays. I don’t care how good she looks or how young she is—if she has that scratchy old-hag cancer voice, I’m out.”

—Sam, 21

9. WOMEN OUT OF MY RACE

“I don’t date women out of my race. If you have a problem with that, well, hey, not my problem. It’s a free country. I don’t have a problem if other people want to do it; it’s just that I don’t want to.”

—Bill, 33

10. BEARDS

“Beards. Can’t stand the beards. Get rid of the beards. I’ve never kissed an gorilla’s asshole, but I imagine it feels and tastes somewhat like kissing a guy with a beard. Yuck. Shave or GTFO.”

—Greta, 22

11. CLINGY GIRLS

“Clingy girls. I mean, like, girls who are already making wedding plans after the first date or who blow up your phone with forty gazillion texts and pictures of cats every day. It’s not like I don’t want a girl to like me, but I don’t want them to smother me, either. If after only one dinner and a movie she’s telling you that she can’t live without you, I think that’s a good sign to pull a ghost move.”

—Tom, 27

12. GIRLS WITH A BAD REPUTATION

“Girls with a bad reputation. They usually have a a bad rep for a reason. And even if they’re trying to ‘improve’ themselves, I don’t want to have to be the one that nurses them through that whole delicate process of therapy and rehab and genital creams. I don’t suffer any desire to help mend broken people. I have my own problems.”

—Justin, 26

13. MUST LOVE PETS

“If a guy doesn’t like animals, that’s a huge sign that he’s a worthless asshole. Animals have purer souls than men do. Plus, to be honest, I don’t think he’d like being around my two dogs and four cats. So basically, if you want to date me, you’re agreeing to ‘date’ my pets, too.”

—Donna, 28

14. GIRLS WITH DADDY ISSUES

“When a woman has daddy issues, that guarantees she will one day seek to work those issues out all over your face, your reputation, your career, your car windshield, and possibly your life. Don’t become the daddy she’s always wanted to kill! Ask her how she feels about her dad. If she says anything even a tiny bit negative, thank her very much for her time and tell her you’re gay.”

—Matt, 29

15. MEN WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR

“If a guy doesn’t have a sense of humor I would rather go down on his mom than ever have sex with him. So many guys—OK, all of them—are basically stumbling idiotic diaper babies, but if he’s not even aware of that or can’t at least laugh at himself, then I will laugh at him for his own sake. I won’t fuck him, but I will laugh at a man with no sense of humor, because he is nature’s most pitiful creature.”

—Jenna, 22

16. DON’T EVER USE THE WORD ‘MOIST’ AROUND ME

“If he ever uses the words ‘meal,’ ‘moist,’ “nurturing,’ or ‘nourishment,’ I will nope the fuck out of that potential relationship. People think I’m kidding, but those are absolute deal-breakers right out of the gate for me. Those words make my skin crawl. Plus, if he doesn’t have any money, I don’t want to have anything to do with him.”

—Sara, 27

17. SPARE ME YOUR SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE, PLEASE

“STDs. Nope. Not happenin’. I don’t care if you learned your lesson. If what happened in Vegas stayed on your dick, I’m not interested.”

—Amber, 26