The Filthiest Place On Earth, Otherwise Known As The Women’s Bathroom

Ok ladies—it’s time for us to talk. It’s been almost 10 years since high school finished and there are a few small issues we need to put to bed. We’re all grown ups now—hell, some of us (you, not me) even have children—so we can be open and honest and talk about this like the rational, mature humans we’ve become. All I want to know is, from one woman to another, which one of you filthy bitches felt the need to drop a turd in the middle of the floor in the girl’s bathroom?

It would happen about once a year. We’d be sitting around in class or in the yard and one girl would run out of the bathrooms, flushed, arms flailing wildly above her head screaming “oh my God there’s a massive shit on the bathroom floor!”

Easily impressed, we’d all crowd into the bathroom and look at the poop glaring up at us from the tiled floor. If it was in the open we’d crowd around it and scream and point. If it was in a cubicle we’d take turns looking at it through the door or stand on the toilets in the adjoining cubicles peering over the top of the cubicle wall, screaming and pointing.

And now, after all these years, I want to know—who the hell did those shits? Was it more than one person? Did you have a club? Were you in a cult? Or were you some kind of serial shit-in-the-middle-of-the-floor offender? More importantly, what the hell is wrong with you?

Listen, I love taking a good dump as much as you do, but I always get mine where it belongs—in the toilet bowl, wipe, flush, and Bob’s your uncle. What the hell possessed you to do it on the floor? And how did you never get caught, squatting there, panties around your ankles, clutching the hems of your school dress to your chest and pushing? Did you do it somewhere else, in private, pick it up, and put it there, right in the middle of the floor for everyone to see?

Did you stand around with the rest of us, screaming and pointing? Were you very pleased with yourself? Or were you in some kind of shame spiral, constantly traumatized by your secret guilt? Why was there never any shit on the floor in the boys’ toilets? Were the boys in high school just cleaner than us? Or were you a boy?

While we’re on the topic, ladies, which of you has ever stuck a bloodied sanitary napkin to the toilet cubicle wall? Which of you has ever smudged a line of shit or blood across a bathroom wall? No one? Well someone isn’t being forthcoming because if I had a penny for every time I saw someone’s period on the wall during high school I’d have at least a dollar.

And which one of you is responsible for pissing all over the seat? STILL! Imagine! In your mid 20s with a set of genitals designed so you CAN’T MISS and you STILL DO. For shame!