29 Things You Should Drink Before Enduring A Pumpkin Spice Latte

Every autumn, the Internet goes crazy with pumpkin spice latte fever. So every autumn, I decide that this is the year I’m going to finally try this famous drink. Jump on the bandwagon. Finally understand what all the fuss is about. ….And every year, I remember that I tried it the year before and determined it to be Satan’s urine.

Seriously, when did pumpkin spice lattes become a national treasure? Why? Who actually likes these?? AM I JUST THAT ONE PERSON THAT SLEPT IN AND MISSED THE BOAT ON THESE SELF-PROCLAIMED ANGEL BEVERAGES???

There are so many things in this world that are better for your soul than these nightmares-in-a-cup. Here are just a few examples:

1. Hot apple cider (YOU’RE THE REAL MVP OF FALL BEVERAGES)

2. The blood of your enemy

3. Leonardo DiCaprio’s tears from virtually every movie he’s ever been in

4. The weird stuff that comes out of ketchup and mustard bottles if you don’t shake them enough

5. Water (hydration is very important)

6. The teardrops on Taylor Swift’s guitar

7. Water (Seriously, get some of that miracle liquid.)

8. Steve Buscemi’s upper lip sweat

9. The water dripping from your car’s exhaust pipe

10. Raw eggs

11. Unicorn blood

12. Serena William’s Tennis Open sweat

13. Pee Wee Herman’s movie theater sweat

14. Burnt coffee from 1986

15. Sweat from Putin’s secret night terrors

16. Acid rain

17. The water you boiled your hot dogs in

18. Nail polish remover

19. Baby drool

20. The potion Dumbledore drinks in the cave in book 6

21. The slobber of an overheated bulldog

22. John Travolta’s hair gel

23. Axe body spray

24. An actual puréed pumpkin

25. Hellfire

26. A dementor’s backwash

27. Fruitcake lattes (this doesn’t actually exist but can you imagine *gags* I would still drink it over a PSL though)

28. Water from that lake in The Simpsons with the 3-eyed fish

29. Literally anything else that can take a liquid state