6 Reasons I Probably Won’t Make It To Your Kid’s God-Awful Event, And Why I Don’t Want You To Take It Personally

Recently my Facebook feed has been blowing up with an article titled, “6 Reasons My Husband and I Probably Won’t Make It To Your Event, and Why We Don’t Want You To Take It Personal.”

Despite my better judgment, I went ahead and read it. I have friends with kids who constantly cancel plans (although not all my parental friends are like this), so I thought maybe, just maybe, this would share some insight.  I also once believed Britney and Justin would be together forever so clearly, I have been mistaken.
 
Before I continue, I suggest you read the article so you can pick up what I’m putting down.
 
I have to say without a doubt, this was the biggest, condescending piece of shit I have ever read. This woman not only came across as a pretentious asshole, but I actually found myself feeling sorry for her husband who is apparently not allowed to leave the house without her permission (or only after she has made sure his company isn’t questionable).
 
If you are a parent, I am sure you found yourself agreeing with many points of this article (as I have heard loud and clear on my Facebook share of this post), but if you are childless like me, you probably thought this woman sounded like a C U Next Tuesday.  
 
I wanted her (along with those singing her praises) to see how this article truly sounds from the other side. If you have kids, stop and think about if it was your child’s first birthday, and the important people in your life wrote a similar article about why they won’t be there/why you shouldn’t get offended.
 
Can’t imagine it because your friends are decent human beings? Let me help paint you that picture with my rebuttal aka…
 
“6 Reasons I Probably Won’t Make It To Your Kid’s Birthday Party/Other God Awful Event, and Why I Don’t Want You To Take It Personally.”

1. I don’t have kids!!!!

This one sounds too easy, and I am sure people are sick of hearing it; but I feel like most need to! Especially those with kids. If I wanted to be covered in spit up, snot, or other bodily fluids that aren’t my own, I’d have children…or do porn. Or both! They both sound equally as disgusting and horrifying to me although one is at least a paying gig that would allow me to sleep in on the weekend.
 

2. I am tired!!!!

No, not like normal tired. I’m talking the type of painstaking exhaustion where you fall asleep in your burrito before you get to enjoy its cheesy goodness. Okay, it’s more so passing out than falling asleep, but all those shots and dancing awkwardly to “my jam” really took it out of me. Plus, there is all that working, traveling, and millions of other things us single people manage to fill our days with sans reproducing. Crazy to think, but we have jobs. AND hobbies! Some of us even exercise and shower regularly; it’s insane! Don’t forget that whole peeing without an audience thing…Either way, we find ways to fill the time, and we are tired too.
 
So please try to understand that your kid’s party starts at 10 AM, and sometimes I get home a few hours before that. If I come I can almost guarantee there will be one more cranky little person throwing up on your Pottery Barn couch.
 

3. I don’t have a dog sitter!!!!

Of course you guys live way out in the suburbs, so it will be an all day affair with never-ending traffic back to the city. I can’t find anyone to let my dog out. I’m sorry, but I only trust like TWO people to watch him, and they are either sleeping or dead since they were out with me last night. While you were watching “Frozen” for the 2492874982734987th time, we were having yet another best night of our lives.  While you apparently got yours out in college, fun is still in our systems. Sorry, but not sorry.
 

4. I can attend, but my bed can’t so nine times out of ten, I’m not going to come!!!!

This may be a hard concept for normal, functioning people to understand, and we have lost friendships/gained psychologists over our union; but we are a team. Sure, we allow pillows and blankets to join us in the bedroom as well, but we still respect each other’s individual socialization. Nothing personal against you, but you just aren’t my pillow top mattress, and neither of us are going to put ourselves in vertical situations if we don’t have to!
 

5. I actually do have a financial budget and priorities!!!!

Not to rain on your endless parade of birthday parties for your multiple kids, but taking fabulous trips and sampling international cuisine will probably hold a higher level of importance to me. I am sure you can cook me a wonderful meal, pour me an adequate glass of wine, and play me smooth jazz until the wee hours of the morning, but until you can do it on a private villa in Italy, I’d rather not spend my hard earned single person salary on another gift for your kid so he or she can play with the box it came in. I still love him/her though! 😊
 

6. I JUST DON’T WANT TO GO!!!!

I know it sounds harsh, and I couldn’t possibly sound like a bigger bitch, but I would honestly prefer to do anything other than attend your kid’s little league game/birthday party/school recital. I’m just being honest! I’d rather pay a visit to my dentist (for endless root canals) while my gyno simultaneously removes her torture devices from the freezer to violate me over giving up my Sunday morning. My bed and I really still DO enjoy each other, and neither of us are going to apologize for that. Sometimes we just want to be left the hell alone and relax, just the two of us.