23 Perfectly Sarcastic Chandler Bing Quips To Feed Your Hopeless, Awkward, And Desperate For Love Soul
1. “Hi, I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”
2. “Oh, yeah, I’m a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last… twelve hundred times.”
3. PHOEBE: “Do you guys know anything about chicks?”
CHANDLER: “Fowl? No. Women? No.”
4. (At a lesbian wedding)
JOEY: “It just seems so futile, you know? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.”
CHANDLER: “Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.”
5. “Can–open, worms–EVERYWHERE.”
6. “If I’m gonna be an old, lonely man, I’m gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I’ll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y’know. Crazy Snake Man. And I’ll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids won’t walk past my place, they will run. ‘RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY SNAKE MAN,’ they’ll shout!”
7. “Couldn’t we just lose our virginities again? Because I think, actually, mine is growing back.”
8. “You have to stop the Q-tip when there’s resistance!”
9. ROSS: “What am I gonna do, I mean, this is like, a complete nightmare!”
CHANDLER: “I know, this must be so hard. Oh no, two women love me! They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!”
10. “Cheese: It’s milk that you chew. Crackers: Because your cheese needs a buddy. A grape: Because who can get a watermelon in your mouth. The phone: Bringing you closer to people who have phones… Bagels and donuts: Round food for every mood… Pants: Like shorts, but longer.”
11. “In the words of A.A. Milne, ‘Get out of my chair, DILLHOLE.'”
12. PHOEBE: “One of my clients died today on the massage table.”
CHANDLER: “Well that’s a little more relaxed than you wanted him to get.”
13. “Hey I can handle anything, handle is my middle name! …Well actually it’s the middle part of my first name.”
14. “You know it’s weird…Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he’s getting out of the shower, he always wraps a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?”
15. “Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?”
16. CHANDLER: “I got her machine.”
JOEY: “Her answering machine?”
CHANDLER: “No, interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.”
17. “It’s always better to lie than have the complicated discussion.”
18. MONICA: “The camera adds ten pounds.”
CHANDLER: “So how many cameras are actually on you?”
19. PHOEBE: “I can’t believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.”
CHANDLER: “Well, they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.”
20. RACHEL: “Guess what, guess what, guess what!”
CHANDLER: “Um, ok. The fifth dentist caved and now they’re all recommending Trident?”
21. JOEY: “Hey, we should play a game to see who brings home the most beautiful girl.”
CHANDLER: “That game already exists, it’s called Life.”
22. JOEY: “Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey says hello. He’ll know what it means.”
CHANDLER: “Are you sure he’s gonna be able to crack that code?”
23. “I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.” 
